"When's The Last Time You Kissed Someone?"

Video

A/N: I think I said this before, but I know that the video I'm referencing in this fic is a second channel video and that Chris probably wouldn't be this worried about it; but for the sake of the fic pretend it was a main channel one. 

"Yeah?" Chris asked, plopping down beside his best friend and grabbing a controller.

"Felix and Marzia introduced me to this girl, and she's literally perfect for you mate," Pj said, leaning to the side as the person on the screen did. Meanwhile, my heart was dropping into my toes. I couldn't breathe for a second.I decided acting normal was the best idea, so I shuffled into the living room to watch them play.

"Really?" Chris said in a monotone voice. My heart clenched, his tone gave me absolutely no hints about how he felt.

"Yeah!" Pj said excitedly. "I told her about you too." Well that was it, Pj had signed my death sentence. If this girl had heard about Chris there was no way she didn't want to meet him. I bit my nails nervously, watching Chris's body language. He wasn't giving anything away.

"I bet she ran for the hills," Chris laughed sharply, as he administered a killing blow to Pj. They loaded up a second game. I sat there waiting for them to pick the conversation back up, but Pj seemed intent on beating Chris this go around.

"No she didn't," Pj spoke again after what seemed like forever. "She said she thought you sounded amazing," Pj nudged Chris playfully in the ribs, while also smashing buttons on the controller.

"She sounds like a nice girl," Chris mumbled, obviously not paying much attention to what he was saying.

"Yesssss!" Pj exclaimed as he won, and Chris pounded the controller against the ground in frustration once or twice.

"So," Pj said turning to Chris before they began another round. "Should I give her your number," Pj asked, seeming very excited for his friend.

"Ummm," Chris looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I found at some point I had leaned forward, like a person anxious about a movie's outcome. I tried to lean back, look casual, and hopped to God Chris didn't think I was interested in his answer.

"Well Peej, I don't think you should," Chris shrugged and grabbed his controller again, pressing A to begin another game. Pj, caught of guard, quickly picked his up as well.

"What? Why not?" Pj demanded, throwing an in game left hook.

"I'm not really interested," Chris trailed off, as his character leg swiped Pj's.

"Chris," Pj said exasperatedly. "Just two months ago you were talking about how much you missed having someone."

"Things have changed," Chris's voice was stable, but when Pj was watching the screen he turned to wink at me. I felt a wide smile invade my face. I tried to get rid of it but I felt deliriously happy. It was selfish I know, to deprive Chris of real relationship, but it felt like he'd picked me. Wait a second, it was incredibly selfish. He deserved to have someone he loved, love him back, to be with them, and to be wonderfully happy. He deserved it! I was being incredibly selfish.

As Chris threw off Pj's pestering, I felt guilt twist my gut. I wished for one second I wasn't like this, that I could not care, but then I wouldn't be myself. I did care, I did care that keeping Chris on this tether was probably the most selfish thing I could do. Truly loving him would mean I could give him up if I needed to, but maybe I didn't love him. Maybe I was just worried about losing my fuck buddy. I was still trying to cling to the idea that maybe I just needed him to fuck me and all these weird feelings of love would disappear, but in my heart of hearts I knew that was bullshit.