Our Colours

4th Chapter: School

Again: Whose P.o.V. shall be next? You decide! Also, need to give off a trigger warning on this chapter. May contain anxiety, dysphoria, depressive thoughts and mentioning of self harm and eating disorders.

Connor brushed his hair out of his eyes as he was getting up from his bed. He hadn't slept well. In the middle of the night he woke up because of period cramps, then he had difficulties falling asleep again and when he finally had fallen asleep, he didn't have a very... pleasant dream.

Connor sat on the edge of his bed and stared around his room. A Black drumset with some Adventure Time and Invader Zim stickers. His desk, messy as always, covered in stickers as well (mostly Undertale, Adventure Time, Invader Zim, DC and Marvel).

He looked outside. The sun was shining, but still it was raining. Connor sighed. Weather. He went back to his bed, remembering that school would start again today. That realization made him want to get to bed and never out of it again.
He laid down on his stomach and pressed his face in a cushion. Another day starting off miserable.

Connor felt already tired. He knew what awaited him in school... people. Lots of them. He looked at the clock. It showed 6:12 am. On time, for a change.

A knocking noise at the door pulled Connor out of his daze. He turned his head. "What?" He mumbled, frowning at the sound of his voice. It still sounded girly. The last time he took testosterone was two weeks ago and he couldn't await the next dose.

The door opened and Sarah sticked her head in. "Morning Connor! How are you feeling today?" She gave him an encouraging smile. That smile. Everytime Connor saw it, he felt like he couldn't disappoint her. Sarah was like his mother. He wouldn't want to disappoint her. She and Anouk helped him getting better from day to day. He didn't want to let them down.

"I'm okay", he said. "Just very tired." Sarah nodded. "That's fine. Are you coming down with us for breakfast?" Breakfast. Connor stared into the mirror on his closet. He felt every feature about his body. And it felt horrible.

"I'm not hungry." He replied, still staring at the mirror. Sarah smiled sadly. "Okay then. Remember to be downstairs on time to get to school, alright? I'll be on my way to church then." She left the room and closed the door behind her.

So she was going to church again. Sarah was very religious, which had given him back his faith in Christians. Connor himself was an atheist, but he got pretty rude comments by some Christians for being transgender and bisexual.

He waited a few seconds, then stood up and went closer to the mirror. His reflection was staring back at him with a judging look on its face. It made Connor feel uneasy. Staring at himself judgingly, seeing every oh-so-tiny error about his body. The breasts that weren't supposed to be there. The female face features. The bandages on his arms. Even his weight didn't quite satisfy him. He was supposed to be a boy. Boys were supposed to be strong. But he was as thin as leek. Back then, he was too chubby. Now he was too thin. But he had read that losing weight would provide testosterone... so he didn't feel like stopping the diet at any point currently.

Connor looked at his bag, standing in the corner of his room, covered in patches of several comic shows and some edding graffiti. School. The summer holidays gave him the feeling of never having to go back there ever again, but now that school started again, he felt like he wasn't going to make it to the autumn holidays.

Connor checked his bag. It seemed to be properly packed. He remembered that it would be his last year in secondary school now, then he would have to move on to further education. Just like most of the others in the rainbow home. Except for Ruby and Alex, who were one year below him. But Mike and Clover were already preparing for their A-Levels.