In the middle of the ocean

Chapter 1: Mom's coffee

I still remember that day. People staring at me, sadness and pity clearly evident on their faces. Just some women were snickering in the back, pleased. What did I do to deserve this? I don't want to remember. Still those faces keep popping up, letting me know, I can't do anything alone. I want to forget everything, all those feelings of that fateful day. To lock them up somewhere far away, erase them, if possible. But they are still there. He is still there.

Breathless, I open my eyes, greeted by the early sunrays, shining through the window in my room. I had that nightmare again. Lately I've been seeing it more and more. When will I free from this dark memory? Never? Maybe so. Maybe I don't deserve to be freed.

I look at my phone on the nightstand and sigh, tiredly. It's only 6 in the morning. I only have to get up at half 8, but I know I won't be able to fall asleep again. I never do. I put on a grey sweater and long, black jeans and head to the kitchen. Soon a strong, sweet smell of coffee drifts through the slightly open door and guides me to the chair at the table.

"Oh, you're awake already?" my mom asks, surprised, sitting at the table and sipping her coffee with milk. Her long, brown hair was combed back into a ponytail and gently flowed on each side of her shoulders. 

"I couldn't sleep. I'd rather take a walk, to wake up fully."

Her lips falter into a sad smile for a quick moment. "Nightmare?"

I just nod and shrug my shoulders. She stands up, pours coffee in a mug and puts it down in front of me. Her hand gently rests on my shoulder.

"You don't have to pretend, that everything is okay. If it's to hard, you know I'm here for you."

"I know," I answer back and smile. "Don't worry, it's not as bad as you think. In time they'll surely disappear." I may be just consoling myself, but that's the only thing, that I can do right now. I take a sip of coffee and relax in it's warmth. If only everything was as nice as my mom's coffee.

She sighs, pats my shoulder and takes her mug to the sink. "I know, you don't like to talk about it, but still... why don't you find some help? There is a lot of people who can help you."

"Mom," I say, wearily, "you know I don't trust other people with my problems. And anyway, the nightmares are getting shorter and less intense now compared to before."

I'm lying. I know I shouldn't but I don't want to bring her even more worries to the ones she already has. Nightmares are getting longer and worse. They are wrapping around a single thing. Him.

"If you say so," she sighs and grabs her bag from the chair. "I have to go now. Don't forget to lock the door after you leave."

"Okay."

"And, Mia?" mom asks when she's almost outside. "Relax and enjoy. Today is supposed to be a warm, sunny day. It'll do you good."

"I understand," I return and hug her. "Bye, mom."

"Bye, my sunshine."

I still stand at the door, while her car disappears long gone into the distance. Thanks, mom, for everything. But no one can help me with this. Only myself. I drink the rest of the coffee that has gone cold by now and wash the mugs. Now, about that walk. In truth, I don't have the will to go anywhere. I'd like to just fall back in my bed between those soft, warm blankets and fall asleep again. But knowing, that those nightmares will come crawling back, I decide not to. Maybe I'm giving up my sleep lately just because of that.

I put my phone in my jeans pocket and start walking on the street, colored orange by the rising sun. It's still a little cold, so I push my hands inside my pockets and hug myself. The rustling of the leaves calms me and takes me away from everything. Relaxed, I set off on a park trail and sit down on a nearby bench, close to a small water fountain.

I slowly close my eyes and before me spreads a big, green field, reaching in infinity. In the distance, I see a small bricked house and a terrace in front, with beautiful flowers blooming everywhere. Next to it, a small creek can be heard, that's glistening in the sun. I always see this picture and it's always the same. It never changes. There's nobody ever here. Like I'm all alone and it's nice. Nobody is chasing me, nobody can't do anything to me. Nobody...

I small click wakes me up from my daydream. I look around but don't see anyone. Just like before. I hear the rustling of leaves in the wind and the water flowing near me. Maybe it was just a bird. I stop thinking about the sounds and stand up, refreshing myself with the water. My steps lead me further into the town. All the streets are quiet, roads empty and shops closed. Only somewhere footsteps can be heard of someone, who's work probably starts early. Even though I love the city this early in the morning, I still love pure nature a lot more. There I feel the most welcomed. I don't feel good in big crowds of people. It gives me a feeling like I'm trapped and there is no exit. Maybe that's the consequence of bad memories. Probably.  

My phone starts ringing, reminding me it's half 8. I head back home, feeling a lot better. At first, I wash my face and clean my teeth, comb my half long hair and tie them in a ponytail. In my room I grab my backpack, making sure I have everything in it. My wallet, phone, some pencils, a notebook, and my glasses. I put my shoes on, lock behind me and head back into the street.

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Okay, so this is the end of the first chapter. Hope you liked it. Write down if you have a feeling what this story is about. What is that memory that she is so scared of?

Thanks and till next one! Bye!