Grieving Hearts [Completed]

55- numb.

Though I won't lie there are times when I come this close to forgiving him, seeing him try so hard to change, to make things right, it breaks something inside of me to see him so vulnerable, almost as if handing his heart in my palms to do as I please.

The only thing that is stopping me from forgiving him is that, I am not that naïve anymore. The day he actually realise his mistake, will be the day he let me go. Anything less than that is just some useless guilt without any meaning, genuine or not. Just like some weed taking roots in his heart, with no use.

If, even after destroying me all he could think is that he can't live without me, instead of acknowledging that I can't live with him, not after everything he did to me, not without recalling everything that he did to me, then his guilt is as useless as his 'so called' love was.

More than people's emotions, their attitude is what matters more to me now, I have got my priorities in order this time, so Agustin is not going to crack me, not now not ever, that is what I have learnt from Agustin. To focus on the latter. Because you have to live your life bearing the attitude of the person, emotions are just feelings locked inside your heart, making you weak.

Giving him a second chance would mean handing him the bullet that can directly pierce my heart, the one he closely missed the first time, I am not giving him any other chance.

I won't ever live with a person who can pose any kind of danger to my child.

I will wait for the day he realise, I can't live with a person I have nightmares of.

I can't love a person I have nightmares of.

Can anything be worse than that, the person who was supposed to protect you, is the one who scares you. If I can't feel safe and protected with the person I live, love or not, I would rather live alone.

Why do you have to spoil everything Agustin? Why does it has to be like this? It could have been so different, if you could have just tried for once to consider the possibility that I couldn't do that to you, instead of torturing me like a possessed man, I might have taken you back, huh, whom am I kidding, I would have taken you back in a heartbeat..... Fuck this, repeating the same thing again and again isn't going to change the past. He made his choice, now I have to make mine, that's it.

Sometimes I just want to run away from everything, run far away with Alex and live my life and just pretend that everything is fine. Nothing ever happened. I desperately need to get away from all this. Agustin needs to understand that in an attempt to break the walls around my heart, he is rather breaking me all over again, crushing my heart instead. Because I can never be as unfeeling towards him as he used to be towards me.

I rubbed my hand over my forehead in a soothing motion to ease the pain. I looked at my watch, it was past midnight. Time to call it a night. I badly need to just close my eyes and drift off in deep slumber.

I sighed tiredly and opened the door to my room.

It was dark, just a small beam of light entering the room through the window. I felt a wave of shiver ran through my body, as if something bad is about to happen. Strange. I waved off my instincts, I am just being paranoid, I thought.

I switched on the lights and turned to see. . . .Agustin sitting on my bed.

I could immidiatly feel fury rise in me like a volcano, what is he even doing here? Didn't I make this already clear that I will do as I please, if he thinks he could lecture me for being late as if he is my father, then he has got another thing coming. He doesn't need to act like my husband just because we are married on papers.