Love on the Scale

Chapter Forty-Three

Only in winter could the sunlight have been cut into strips like that, without melting together. I sat and watched the wonder of nature from my bedroom window, beginning to feel relief at the slow return of Spring, a spiky blossoming in my chest, smelling the fragrant perfumes that wafted in from the neighboring gardens.

I was still struggling with my internal self-esteem, but I was beginning to feel a quiet comfort in my appearance. I had started looking at myself in the mirror as Derek directed, not like in the past as if crossing a busy street, looking left and right, hurrying across to get out of the way of my reflection, but now, taking time to look at myself, a voice in my head saying, "What are you afraid of? You aren't so bad, and lucky to be alive."

Everything was shifting. I was alone; singlehood was teaching me normalcy. My thoughts of Neil were less close, more staggered. There was absolutely nothing wrong with being single. In our relationship, I had felt the need to be two: the person I was when I was by myself, and the person I was around him. Yes, I had loved Neil, but had never had the instruments to prove it. With so many combinations, infinite combinations of things that could have gone wrong, did go wrong, that destroyed our one chance of being together, it was good that we were now apart. Ours had been a mix of lust and self-destruction, both of us smashing it to bits because of a fathers that had been so distant in our lives, because of a lack of respect for our own growth and journey. Falling in love had been a beautiful agony.

"Where are you?" James was next to me, asking for my thoughts.

"Far, far away... Just look at that." I pointed outside, letting out a deep, satisfied sigh.

He was looking at me, smiling. "I don't think I've seen you this happy." He sat down next to me on the bed and gave me a side-hug. "I'm glad you and Macyn have mended the fence. I realize you two will never be close friends, but at least now we'll be able to exist together as a family, united. It's a pity about dad, but he never actually was ever home, emotionally."

We both stared out the window. Macyn had come over the day previous, teary and apologetic, and I'd had to forgive her. I didn't have it in me not to. That didn't mean I was going to start trusting her, but I let go of what she'd done to me. A part of me felt bad. Nothing makes a person so alone as their secrets, and she had been alone for a very long time. Perhaps this was how forgiveness happened; not with fanfare and an epiphany, but with pain packing its things and leaving unannounced in the echoes of the night.

"Thanks." I said.

"What for?"

"For always believing in me, for saving my life."

"So dramatic! You're not about to spill more of your blood are you?" He nudged me, laughing at his own joke. Then he was serious, "That's what being a brother is all about... Enough of this seriousness, I need to fill you in on something. I guess you could say you owe me one, and here is how you're going to repay me."

I looked at him, my eyebrow raised.

"There's a big fashion show happening next weekend and I want you there. It's sort of the Grammy's of the fashion industry so you're gonna need to wear something spectacular. Special invite only, obviously, but I'll get that part sorted. I need you to be there, Chris. You, Brandi and... Macyn. Do you think you could help her find something to wear? Perhaps you could design her a dress? I don't know, get creative. I still need to speak to Brandi, but I know she loves this sort of stuff. And you will too. Will you be there?"

I think he expected an answer straight away, but instead I said: "I'll think about it."