TRACKSiDED

미안합니다*

The punching ball is bouncing hard as I recall the events, the river, the interview, the club, her hand, her dress, her lipstick, her grasp around my chest.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I keep repeating it like a mantra.

도대체 왜? [what the heck] what the fuck? What's wrong with me. Abeoji, eomma, Min Ho ya mian, mianhaeyo. Cheongmal mian! [Father, mother, Min Ho sorry, I'm sorry. I'm genuinely sorry].

A feeling of betrayal overwhelms me; I'm tinting their memory with thoughts of this girl from nowhere.

Austen Jane, what are you doing to me?

To spare me and others suffering, I pushed everyone away, I dedicated my all to my family, making myself a shrine of their memory, and now this woman is treading on my mind.

How dare she, "fuck."

"Oy, Tae Won, don't break my equipment."

I turn to see coach Gong; he too is a former athlete; he used to box for the national team when I was still in diapers. The coach opened this club after an injury, which forced him to retire.

Some rumors say he used to dope himself, and he took bribes on some matches, but I don't care about that. I just come here to box. Coach Gong is excellent when I don't pay, and he's also a good listener.

"So what's eating you, kid."

"Nothing."

"Well, I think my material begging for mercy will contradict you."

I stop.

Coach Gong hands me a bottle of water; I gulp it down at once. Somehow the water's coldness seems to soothe me, cooling the boiling larvae of my interior.

"So?"

"I can't pay this month's fee."

The coach chuckles, "ya, imma [punk], do you want me to throw you out?"

"I can't breathe."

"I told you, take it one day at a time."

Coach Gong always says the same thing, and it's annoying because I would like something more consistent, something I can assess and apply. This sentence does nothing for me, every day is the same suffocating inferno, and coach Gong knows it, but he can't say more because it's not his role.

He's just a man who saw this broken kid consumed in flames arrive someday with enough hate to burn down the world. Coach Gong knows I'm a ticking time bomb; he can't stop me; the only thing he can do is slow down my timer.

"Listen, Tae Won, you're getting older, and time is passing. I'm not telling you to forget, but you have to move on, finish your bachelor's, find a job, a girl, and settle down. I know what I'm saying will be difficult to accomplish without a family and back up, but you are smarter than I was. I'm sure you can make it. Don't beat yourself up for being alive."

My desperate stare must have put some pressure on him for the man to say all that. Suddenly I regret his take it a day at the time sentence is more efficient."

I head to the shower.

The water slaps my skin while I ponder on what the elder said. Everything made sense, but I can not do all that, knowing that somewhere on this planet, their killer roams free while living happily.

Unlike what the coach thinks, beating myself up is all I can do because what most people don't know about the accident is that it's my fault.

My parents were driving to Seoul to surprise me, I had a crucial competition the next day, which would confirm my entree in the national team, but it was also my birthday.

They were in that car at that hour because of me, and it makes me regret my birth.

My parents and brother wanted to surprise me, and honestly, you can't do better than a car going up in smoke.

I hate the driver as much as I hate myself, and that's why the gun waiting in the still of my apartment only has two bullets. One for each of the culprits we consist of.

I finish up; I'm heading out when I suddenly feel my phone vibrate in my jeans back pocket. I let the call go to my voicemail. I get a few more vibrations and wait for them to stop before calling my voicebox.

"You have three messages, today at 10 AM:

"Tae Won daiya [it's me], I just wanted to hear your voice. I'll be in Seoul in two days for a competition; I wondered if we could meet. Please call me back."

"End of message, press 1 hear again, 2 to delete, and 3 to call back."

I press 2.

"Today at 11:22 AM:"

"Ah, eh, Tae Won, gosh, you must think I'm crazy, eh the competition will be at 5 PM perhaps we can meet after, let me know. Eh, you can come and watch too. Eun Ju has extra tickets. I can ask her to wait for you at the gymnasium entrance. I hope you are well? Are you eating? I can't stop thinking about you. I- call me, okay.

What can one say to that?

Soo Ae loves me, I have the girl coach Gong wants me to find, but I can't be with her. I can't take the responsibility of Soo Ae; I'm unworthy of her. Even though we broke up, we're still a couple in Soo Ae's mind though she knows full well I sleep around.

Apart from me wants her to forget me, and the other selfish half wants Soo Ae to cling like she's doing because it's reassuring to know someone is worried and cares about you.

What's dreadful is I know she's suffering, and in her logic, it would be better if we stood to face the world and suffer together. But I can't force her to do that, and like an SM, I'm inflicting her other punishments.

"Today at 12:02 PM"

"Mr. Kim, it's Mrs. Myung Se Ra from the Sejong Institute, we have a vacancy, one of our tutors has taken leave, and we're wondering if you were free to take a few of her hours. Notably, a few lessons to perfection Korean with college students. The lessons are private and not in hagwons also they are very well paid. I decided to call you first since you have one of our institute's best ratings and rankings. Please call back at the registered number if you are interested."

I press 1 to hear again, I haven't got a lot of money, and I don't want to be sweating when the SNU law will ask me for the first semester's fees. Also, I don't want my grandmother to feel obliged to send me money.

I call back.