Two Halves of One Whole

An Affair To Remember Part 1

Two days later Logan woke up to the sounds of Rory crying, obviously trying to be quiet, but not exactly succeeding in her emotional state. Logan found her, in the bathroom, still wearing her pajamas- she was standing over the sink, looking at herself in the mirror, sobbing, clutching at something dark and feathery in her hand. He looked closer- was that? Then he looked around her, around the sink and he saw- dark, curly hairs scattered everywhere over the white marble of the sink and counter top and his heart sank. Shit- the time had finally come.

He moved into the bathroom as quickly as he could, pulling her to him, holding her as tightly as he could. She turned into him and buried her face in his chest, sobbing. After at least five minutes she began to calm down and began to pull away from him. She was shaking her head and trying to brush away tears with the back of hand as they both sat, there on the floor, right in front of the bath tub, next to each other with her head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I'm not entirely sure why this is bothering me so much- it's not like I knew that it wasn't coming. I mean, I guess I was hoping that six weeks in, if I hadn't lost it all yet, maybe I'd be one of the people who only experience thinning- maybe the short haircut had been enough. And come on, it's just hair, right? I've got wigs, I've got hats. Not to mention, I'm going to survive all of this and my hair will grow back... but when I was in the bathroom, I just ran my hand through my hair and..." She just broke into sobs all over again and he was pulling her onto his lap, letting her cry herself out- letting her fall fall asleep in there- before waiting ten minutes more to bring himself to risk waking her up and carrying her back to bed.

He was startled by how light she was- he had carried her quite a few times before but she seemed so much smaller right now than he was used to- it gave his heart pangs to think of how much weight she had lost so far. He settled her into their bed, pulling the covers back while marveling at her beauty, her strength and her grace, but he couldn't believe how lucky he was. But then, just as he was settling himself in next to her, he couldn't help but notice a patch towards the back of her head, an almost totally bald spot. It was a jarring wake-up call. It was always hard to forget that she was ill, he wouldn't ever really be able to- with her pale skin, her recent weight loss, the nausea and such after her treatments... but something about the loss of her hair- one of the greatest aspects of her brilliant beauty... it was impossible to ignore, to push to the side.

He settled in next to her, lying down and pulled her to him, spooning her as tightly as possible- fighting the tears in his eyes. He loved her so much; but what if things did not go their way? What if, somehow, she was one of the very few who did not make it through the treatments? What if she became so immunocompromised and encountered someone with a flu and that was enough to...? Stop it, man, you know you can't think that way.

But what if it did? What if instead of planning a wedding and buying their first home together, then having and raising children- he wanted at least three, he knew that much... what if instead of that beautiful future with summers at the Cape, her belly swollen with another child who would share her eyes, her hair, her sense of humor... what if he was spending his time watching her wither away; what if he had to plan a funeral instead of a wedding? What if he had just, finally, found the love of his life and was happier than he could ever have imagined being and it was all ripped away from him again? What would he do if that happened?

The next morning they shaved her head down to a buzz cut. She did not want to be sitting around, working on her blog or out at the store and find another clump had fallen out and was everywhere around her. It was emotional as Logan took his electric razor to her head, but she smiled back at him bravely, trying to reassure him that this was what she wanted. Internally he was shaking his head, wondering if he could ever in a million years be as brave as her. Once they were done she decided to try and work on her blog while he checked in with the office- they had been so cool about his circumstances and his working remotely, but he knew he was going to have to start making trips out west soon- leaving her in the capable care of others for a week or so at a time- just another part of this whole process he was dreading.