Picture This (Niall Horan Trilogy)

-We died a paper death, not an emotional one [Chapter 81]

“That’s bull shit too.”

“What is?”

I asked starting to get a bit annoyed now. I hate it when people tell me what’s wrong an

and what’s right, especially when it comes to Niall. I’m well aware I messed up and I’ve infuriated myself over it many times, I don’t need other people to do that for me.

“What you just said. Why haven’t you spoken? He wants to talk to you Ash, he did text you but you never replied and he got himself so worked about it saying that you hate him and stuff.”

“I have a different number and no you can’t give it to him, I’m sorry but I can’t talk to him. Or any progress I’ve made since is out the window, we can’t be together Mallory. I need him to move on; he needs to be happy without me.”

“You’re there saying that but you’ve neither moved on or are happy without him are you? So why should he do anything more than you?”

She said taking a step closer to me now. She’s never been the brightest flower in the garden so right now why does it feel like she’s talking so much sense? I chewed on my lower lip furiously as I still refused to turn and face her square. I hate talking about it so much, I could feel the salty liquid gathering in my eyes already and I didn’t want her to see how much it still hurts to talk about it but she wasn’t going to give up.

“Because, because he deserves to be happy and I don’t.”

I snapped slamming my make-up bag down onto my desk on top of my laptop and throwing myself onto my bed.

“Why do you think your happiness is any different to his?”

“You don’t understand,” I said flipping over and giving up on hiding my tears from her. “If you knew him like I did then he’s the most innocent, sweet, loving, caring and perfect person I know and I’m not, he deserves to be happy because he’s practically a saint Mallory, he could do no wrong, whether as I was a bitch and messed everything up so that is why he deserves to be happy and I don’t.”

I blurted hastily wiping away any tears that may have escaped my eyes. I hated crying over it every day but the only person I had to blame was myself. I did this to myself, so therefore I shall take the punishment. I don’t deserve him; no way do I deserve him after what I done.

She sighed sitting down at the end of the bed.

“He wants you to be happy Ash. And he thinks that what you said is true, and do you know what else he thinks? That you’re what you said you were going to be, better off without him. He says that you’ve probably got yourself someone knew now and that you’re happy as ever without him living the dream in New York, but Ashley, you’re not are you? Do you think he’s happy without you, do you?”

I shrugged.

“He should be. I bet managements treating him better now and I mean he doesn’t have to worry about me and whether I’m eating enough and he doesn’t have to-“

“Listen to yourself. You’re both so fucking clueless you know. Both of your lives’ suck without each other, okay? I apologise for being this blunt and I don’t even know where I’m getting all this seriousness from but I can’t believe you’re both so oblivious to the other.”

For a moment I just listened and looked at her. Maybe then I kinda expected to wake up and this be a stupid crazy dream or something. I’ve been having them lately, each and every one gets more messed up each time but whether he’s present or not something to do with Niall is always there. And if he’s part of the stupid dream or not he’s always just there, maybe he’s a passer-by or maybe he’s someone I interact with directly. I keep on thinking maybe it’s divine intervention, like someone’s trying to tell me something like wherever I go he’s always there but one day it’s gonna be too late and I’m gonna be gone before we patch things up. It’s always me who’s gone. Dead. Ghost. Spirit. Whatever you wanna call it. He lives, he’s upset, sure, or maybe he’s just distant, but he’s not gone. He’s not a ghost, not a spirit or anything out of the ordinary, but I am. Always me. I can’t help but feel that this is too divine intervention, a punishment for my sins, the lies I forced myself to tell and the secrets I kept locked away from him that I was supposed to expose. And why does he live and I die? Because he’s innocent. So freaking innocent and he’s just a victim who got caught up in my twisted heart. But I’m not religious, nor do I believe in any type of paranormal or spirits, or anything beyond science. So why do I keep on having these ghostly and death ridden dreams? I have no idea.