Crazy Baby

Chapter 18; Kim Seokjin

"How have you been feeling, Jin?" Dr. Min asks softly.

I sit in the uncomfortable chair across from him and clutch Jimin to my chest. I can't see anymore but I can picture in my mind the doctor's expression. Never changes.
"I'm f-fine."
Why are you lying? Tell him the truth. Tell him that I'm right here beside you. Jimin scoffs.
Do you really think this will do any good? What can this wack job really do to make us go away? You know we're here forever. Daddy smirks from the corner of the room, peaking over the doctor's shoulder. Looking down at my file. I can see it perfectly in my mind.
"You seem agitated. Want to talk about it?"
Swallowing hard, I wish Jungkook was with me. For some reason he helps me make the voices stop. Gives me a small amount of relief.
Everyone tells me I'm crazy. That the people I see and hear everyday aren't real. It's all my imagination. I never left the hospital. I was never kidnapped by my dead father. Park Jimin was never my friend from the hospital. The thought terrifies me because deep down, despite the fact they keep appearing, I know they're right. I'm just insane.
"I'm fine."
"You said the same thing after blinding yourself. You're not fine, Jin. You're getting worse. I think I should up your medication." He sighs. I can hear him writing in his notebook.
I lower my head and tug at Jimin's frail hair. Eomma gave him to me when I was a baby. I've always had him. Always. He's been with me since the beginning.
"If you think so." I mumble.
"Mhm. I'm worried about you. I can't help you if you won't talk to me. We've been over this."
        My hands tremble as I worry my bottom lip. I just want it all to stop. I can't tell what's fake or reality anymore. Is Dr. Min even real? Is Jungkook? Have I made them all up?
      "Jin?"
      "Can I go back to my room now?" I ask quietly.
       He releases a heavy sigh and I can picture him rubbing his temples. "Fine. Maybe you'll talk more tomorrow." He says the same thing every day. Doubtful.
      As soon as I claw the door open, Jungkook's comforting presence envelops me and he takes my arm to lead me back to my room. He doesn't speak, just relaxes me by the silence.
He brings me to my room and I slowly sit back on the bed. I can feel him hovering above me but I remain silent, waiting.
        "Jin? Can I talk to you? You know, about your...uh..." he struggles to finish.
        I turn my head towards him but can't see him. I wish I could. He sounds beautiful. Not that it matters. He's just an orderly but still...I'd like to know.
         "Ok." I mumble.
         I feel the bed dip down as he sits beside me. Much too close, really. His arm brushes against mine. "Why did you do...that to yourself?" He asks curiously.
        "I d-didn't." I admit.
        "What do you mean? They said they saw you on cameras do it..."
         I laugh bitterly. "They did it to me. They were mad because I didn't want to see them anymore. I guess, in a way, they solved my problems to a degree." I sigh.
        He's quiet a few moments. "Who's they?"
        "I don't even know anymore. I can't tell what's real or not anymore. Maybe you aren't even real. Just another voice in my head. It all feels too real either way."
         I feel him nod. "Is there someone here bothering you? You can tell me. The other day...while I was bathing you...I found blood in your clothes. You don't have to talk about it but I'd really like to know how to help you." He mutters, sounding almost desperate.
       Ah yes...daddy came back to visit. What a night. Like the rest, he just won't go away. I don't know if to everyone else I'm doing this to myself but I don't believe I do. It feels so real when his hands touch me, hurt me. I don't know what to think anymore.
       "Is a staff member abusing you?" He asks hesitantly. Technically daddy is a doctor on staff...I don't think he counts, however.
       "Jungkook?"
       "Yes."
       "I wish I could...show you the things I see in my mind. Even without my eyes...it's terrifying. I wish I could share it with you just once." I sigh. Impossible.
        He makes a grunt like sound in agreement. He's such a nice man. Really cares about his patients.
        "I wish I could take you out of this place and let you experience real life. I'm so sorry this happened to you." He sounds remorseful.
        "Not your fault."
        "Still. I wish I could help." He sighs. "How is Jimin?" He asks playfully.
         Doing just fine, thank you. Jin, tell him he's a real hottie. I like him. He giggles from behind me. I clutch the doll tighter.
        "Do you really want to help me?" I ask hesitantly.
        "Of course."
        "Can you take Jimin and...throw him out the window?" I whisper. I feel Jimin's nails dig into my arm. What the hell are you doing, Jin?! You can't do this to me! I'm your best friend! "I want to get better and I think if I let go of the doll...it might help."
      "Yes, I will if you want." He takes the doll from my trembling hands and slides open the window. Just as I feel Jimin's hot breath on my neck. It's gone. Jungkook tosses the doll away and Jimin's voice seems to vanish to nothing. Tears stream down my cheeks at the thought of losing him. I have to do this...for my own good.
      "Are you alright?" Jungkook kneels down before me and rests his arms on my knees. I wipe my cheeks. Many people may wonder if you can even cry tears without eyes. You can.
        "I will be."
        "I'm so sorry." He mutters once more.
        I laugh. "Why? You can't change what is. You've just met me. Why do my struggles bother you so much? No one else seems to have the same problem." I smile.
       His hand threads through my hair, tugging gently. I've never been touched wit such gentleness before. It feels...strange.
        "Can you do me another favor?" I ask almost reluctantly.
         "Hm."
         "Can you...take me to the roof? I'd like some fresh air but hate people staring at me." I admit.
         He's quiet for so long I think he'll say no. "Alright. Just this once, ok."
         My smile returns. "Right. Just this...once." Finality in my tone.
         Ooh, Jinnie finally going to man up and do it? End your worthless life! Namjoon chuckles from behind us. I can't wait to see this. Let me be the one to push you off that ledge, baby boy.
        I try hard to ignore the loud voices behind me. All except for Jimin's who isn't there anymore.
       

      The air is cold and crisp from the roof. Although I can't see it, I can feel the freedom awaiting me. I really hope Jungkook doesn't get in a lot of trouble for bringing me here. I've really come to like him.
       "Can you stand at the door? This will only take a minute." I swallow the lump in my throat.
        "Ok. Hurry back, ok? It's too cold out here for you." He says kindly.
         I reach out for his hand and squeeze it. It feels strong. Young and strong and I sense a true goodness in him I've never known. 
        I step away from him and picture the roof in my mind. I skirt the edge with memorable knowledge and find where I want to be. Where I want to do it. Jimin's voice returns. Are you finally coming with us, Jinnie? It's no fun here alone without you now. It'll be so easy!
        I nod. I'm coming. I can't live with this unreality anymore. I don't know what to do or believe especially with Jungkook. I'm lost. So lost. I want out of the dark. Out of this misery I've let myself suffer in for so long.
       Taking one last deep breath, I hold out my arms and let go. I take that last step and close my eyes, not that it matters. I feel the cold icy air whip around me as I plummet towards the ground where my Jimin is. My doll. Always waiting for me. Always my bestest friend forever.

      "Jin!!" Echoes of my name chase after me through the dark.