Crazy Baby

Chapter 6; Kim Namjoon

      I leave Jin in his room and run my fingers through my hair in frustration. I don't know what I want anymore. My plans were so clear at the start...then it seemed him living with me brought him deeper in regression while at the same time maturing in some aspects.
     It's so strange. I've not wanted to hurt him. I've been taking all my anger and frustration out on the unsuspecting women I've picked up. I had only wanted to keep him a short time but I find myself growing more and more attached to my beautiful patient.
     Every time he calls me 'daddy' it makes me want to hurt him-only in the best way...but then he'll look up with those large innocent eyes and I find myself deflating. Why am I like this now? Why him? I've never hesitated to get what I want from others and disposing of them quickly but with him...the thought of killing him doesn't appeal to me any longer.
     Sometimes I'll look into his eyes and see clarity. Like he truly understands his situation like the adult he should be...then seconds later it'll be gone and he'll be clinging to me like a small child. He's been regressed to the age of 10 for so long I don't understand how his regression is worsening to an even smaller age all of a sudden.
     I try to make him do things for himself and reward him but as soon as he does I get the sense he could leave me soon if he gets better and it pisses me off so I do things for him again...indulge in his childish whims. The worst of it all is when he looks at me like I'm his savior. Like I'll keep him safe while in reality I'm the exact opposite. He shouldn't cling to me and seek my protection. I will only harm him.
     It's how I'm wired. I can't change myself. To be honest-I love myself. The things I do...do not impact my reflections on myself.
     I need to do something about this, though. I can't keep him forever, I just can't do it. I either need to kill him and get it over with or heal him and set him free. I am still a doctor after all and he's still the ever growing puzzle that needs solved.
    A loud cry forces me out of my deep and ever darkening thoughts and I throw his door open to see him crying and clutching his chest. His wide eyes stare through me, tear streaked.
     "D-daddy..." He sobs and I immediately go to him. He falls into my arms and I just silently let him wake up. Another nightmare. I wonder if me taking him brought on the nightmares or if he had them before at the hospital?
     "Shhh...don't cry, Jin. You're ok. Wake up." I shake him awake and he gasps hard, burying his wet face on my neck.
     "P-please don't make me g-go away...I'm so scared..." he whimpers. "I'll do anything, I'll be a good boy I promise! Don't throw me away!" He whines.
"Hush, you're not going anywhere, ok? Calm down." I rock him until his sobs reduce to nothing more than shuddering whimpers. I kiss his face all over before fitting my lips firmly against his soft pink ones.
His fingers lock on my shoulders as I lose myself in the kiss and deepen it. He gasps as my tongue slides inside but he doesn't push me away. Instead he hesitantly-shyly-meets me half way and tangles our tongues together.
I feel his body relax in my hold so I pull back, licking his bottom lip one last time for good measure. His eyes are glassy and dazed and his cheeks are flushed. So pretty...I place my forehead on his, closing my eyes. Fighting for control. If I take it too far...there's no going back and I know I'll hurt him. Badly. Indefinitely. Inevitably. I'm not ready to let him go just yet.
When I open my eyes again his wide ones are boring into mine. "C-can you kiss me like that again if I'm a good boy?" He whispers shyly.
I groan and push him back onto the bed before getting up. Stopping myself from letting the demon out. So tempting...so pure... "Ok. Now be a good boy and sleep." I mutter and he nods.
I leave him once again and go to my room. There's a mess in the basement I really need to clean up but don't feel like going back out past his room. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from opening his door back up and taking him down there...to do what, though? I'm not sure anymore.