Into the Fire

Closure

I walk down the Toronto streets to the nearest liquor store. I need to drink, need to forget for a night.

I buy a bottle of Tequila and walk back to the hotel. I walk into the lobby and see Ben sitting on one of the couches next to the skank.

I just stare at them as I walk by them, tears threatening to spill again.

Ben catches my stare and he stands up.

I look away and fast walk into the elevator. The elevator door almost closes but Ben gets there first.

He steps into the elevator and looks at me. I just avoid his gazes.

"So I guess you saw me sitting there with Jess," Ben awkwardly starts a conversation with me.

"Yup," I look down.

"Look I was just telling her that she can't be in my life and that I love you and not her and that I don't want nor desire for her," Ben says.

"If you don't desire her then why did you fuck her," I feel the anger rise.

"I-"

"You know what, not my problem anymore Benjamin,"

Suddenly his lips go on mine. As he passionately kisses me I try to not kiss him back but I do. I place my hands on his cheeks, cupping his face as I kiss him back.

Fuck I love him so much.

But I can't.

"Fuck baby I only desire you, I only love you," Ben mumbles against my lips, as his hand snakes under my shirt, bringing my lower back closer to him.

"Don't say you love me unless you mean it," I tell him.

"That's why I'm saying it," Ben kisses me.

I suddenly realize that I can't do this. I can't let him get off the hook like this, so easily. I love him, but he has hurt me beyond forgiving.

"Stop Ben," I tell him.

"Why," He presses his lips harder to mine. "Everything's perfect in this moment, we're perfect,"

"You still cheated on me and hurt me, I just can't with you," I push him off.

I notice the door open at my floor, I walk out of the elevator and back to my room.

I feel the tears come back. How could I just let myself slip like that and kiss him.

I'm so pissed at him, and hurt and unbelievably disappointed in him. I thought I knew the kind of person he was, someone who truly cared about me, who was honest and so loving. But I was wrong.

Ben only looks out for himself. He never loved me, never cared. If he cared, he wouldn't have done this. Especially if he loved me. Period.

I get to my room and grab my speaker, blasting music.

I open the tequila and take a big gulp of it.

I let it burn my throat.

I dance to the music in my bra and underwear as I take sips of the liquor until I'm half drunk.

How could Ben just do this to me though? I thought I meant more to him than this.

I hear a knock on my door, I sway over to the door and look through the peep hole. Ben is standing outside of the door, holding flowers. I just down the rest of the liquor. I can't be sober to deal with this right now.

I open the door, not bothering to cover myself, nothing Ben hasn't seen before.

I think I hear Ben's breathing hitch as he looks at me.