Into the Fire

Gone

I pull my hair in frustration. My parents are downstairs fighting. I'm in my room trying to do my work. Listening to music has stopped helping me clear my mind, it's just making everything jumbled in my head.

I can't focus with all the fighting because when I see someone fighting, or hear someone fighting, my heart rate quickens and I can't focus on anything but the fighting.

But not to mention I've lost my hours of sleep over the course of two weeks.

Ben has none stopped tried to get me to 'have some fun' and drink with them. Why can't he just leave me alone and go out breaking the rule with his friends?

Maybe I should have some fun.. Stop it, I can have fun without breaking rules.

I have to get somewhere where it's quiet. I slip my shoes on, grab my textbook and backpack. I walk downstairs and the fighting stops.

"Honey, where are you going?" My father asks, breathing in heavily.

"To the library, I can't focus with all your fighting," I tell them.

"It's the weekend hun, do you have work to work on?,"

"Yeah, I do," I yawn, "can I have some coffee?" I ask without thinking, I've never had coffee before.

"Uh, you don't drink coffee," My father states.

"I have to get my energy up some how, and sleep is not an option in this house," I say, pushing towards the fact that they're yelling at each other.

"You are kind of being rude Veronica, but it's understandable with the circumstances, grab a to-go-mug and pour your coffee," My mom tells me.

"Okay,"

I pour the coffee and I kiss my moms cheek, and my fathers cheek, then head out. I hear the fight start again before I close the door completely.

I sigh and walk away, heading to the library.

"Whoa where ya going?" I hear Ben's voice.

"Do you just stalk me for pleasure?" I ask, not bothering to look back at him.

"Roni, you're falling apart," Ben laughs.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Ben begins to walk with me.

"You're wearing all black, you always wear bright colours, your hair is just thrown up into a messy ponytail, you're drinking coffee and I've never seen you drink coffee," Ben tells me.

"You say that like you know me," I get defensive.

"And you're talking more and becoming rude, I like it," Ben nudges me.

I just look at him and can't help but smile.

"So Ben, why do you keep wanting me to hang out with you and your friends,"

"Well, I really only wanted you to hang out with me, but that night a week or so ago, my friends just decided to tag along," Ben explains.

"Alright well why do you want me to loosen up and have fun so much,"

"Why don't you want to,"

"Well, I mean.. I was seriously considering it," I covered my mouth, "Never mind, forget I said anything."

I see a huge grin spread across Ben's face.

"Yes Roni! Let's do it," Ben smiles.

"Veronica, you never told me you were hanging out with Ben, I thought you hated him?" Cindy runs up to us from behind.

"I don't hate him anymore," I tell her.

"Well you know how I feel about him, why didn't you tell me you were hanging out with him,"

"I didn't know I was gonna, he kinda just showed up,"

"What's up with your clothes?" Cindy asks.

"Oh, uh I don't know I kind of just threw something on," I say, I really didn't think anyone would notice.

"Alright well, I hear your parents are fighting," Cindy walks with us.

"Yeah.. How'd you know?"

"Everyone in the neighbourhood can hear your parents scream at each other," Cindy looks at me.

"Oh," I sigh, so everyone knows my parents at fighting, nice to know.

"Cindy get back in here!" I hear Cindy's mom shout.

"Why?" Cindy shouts back.

"You have chores to do!"

"Alright mother, I'll be right there," Cindy rolls her eyes, "well, I've got to go, I'll see you at school on Monday,"

"Okay, bye," I say, and watch Cindy walk away.

"You want to know one of the reasons why I want you to come and have fun with me is?" Ben questions.

"Why?"

"Because I hear your parents fighting all the time, I wanted to take you away from it for a little bit,"

I feel anger course through me.

"I don't need your saving Benjamin, I didn't ask for that. I didn't ask for you to stalk me, I didn't ask for my parents to be screaming at each other! I can help myself, I can save myself, I listen to music to help calm me! It'll work a whole lot better than getting drunk!" I scream at him, there, I finally lost it.

All the anger from my parents, the anger from Ben stalking me, the anger from school, anger from constantly being called a nerd, it wasn't much I said, but I gave that sentence all the anger that got built up for so long, and I just shouted it.

"Whoa okay Veronica, message received. But just so you know, music can't help everything, but if you want a song to relate to, listen to Stay Together For The Kids, by Blink 182," Ben gives me this look, "I'll leave you alone if that's really what you want,"

"It is," I feel tears rush down my face, the anger I'm feeling, it's not towards him, it's towards just everything.

"Okay, well I'm sorry I bothered you," Ben sighs, and walks away.

I fall to the ground and just cry my eyes out. I've held in so much for so long. I finally blew my fuse.

I decide not to go to the library, I won't be able to focus there anyway now. I just run upstairs and go on my computer.

I can't remember what song it was he told me, but I remember what band. If I see the song he mentioned, I'll remember it.

I type in Blink 182 and search it on youtube.

I scroll down and find the song.

I listen to it and cry. It has me thinking, maybe my parents are just staying together for me at this point.

I think about all the things I've been called in my life; a snitch, nerd, loser, bitch, good girl, etc. I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of go over the top for my grades, I'm tired of being the nice girl, I'm tired of not having any fun, tired of not having any friends except for Cindy, tired of trying my best and not being good enough.

I'm just tired.