Dear sad diary

About beeing alone, i know.

May, 145/365

Hey you, 

Have you ever been so lonely that it makes you weak?

Have you ever had friends?

Have you ever had real friends?

Sometimes I think i never had one and this will last till my death, cause you know, when you're dead everyone decides to love you and finaly see how much you were important to them. Everything you did for all those bastards will be valued at this beautiful day. 

Can you see how this people is so full of nothing? All those ''i care about you'' and ''let me know if you need me'' lies and all those crap fake shit about beeing a true friend.  

About beeing alone, i know.  I love beeing alone, but beeing lonely kills me.

What is  friendship? I'm sorry but i can't see how replacing me for better people, ignoring me and watching me having lunch alone everyday can be called friendship. I can't see either  how can i keep beeing the one who is always worried about everyone. 

You see, this week my ''friend'' 1 started to greet me again. Just that. The same girl who replaced me slowly and let me had lunch alone every fucking day. The same girl who talked behing my back and then told another person -  to take care of me. Really? like, really? 

''Friend''2 who usually used to call the friend 1 a bitch after what she did to me, decided to do the same thing. Humans. Such a hypocrites race huh?

''friend''3 decided that ignoring my existence is the new trend. Got it. When I was like ''oh i cannot believe you're the honest one'' he decided to be like ''yeah. let's pretend  i don't see ya''.  I can't even say anything about the others.

I helped every single of them the way i could. And i still would do anything to help them, bc i an such a dumb. I can see everything i do that makes me an idiot, but i just cannot control that.

But i understand them all. That's why i can't be mad at them. Who wants to be with the girl who is social anxious, don't like to talk and is always sad? you deserve that. 

Maybe i just don't want anyone to be like me. Besides, i got it. I deserve it, i really do. Frankly, i do deserve to be alone.  You know what? I deserve even more. 

 Friends and smiles,

-me