Runaway Teddy

Chapter One-Moving On

Teddy's POV-

They say you should forgive people to forgive yourself. That you should filter out all the anger, hate, regrets and grudges from your mind or it eats you, it weakens you and induces physical pain.

Like forgiving is simple! Everytime I look into my mind to figure out what is hiding there, I open a can of worms. It only surfaces sad memories and makes me cry. Also they say crying is not good for you.  Self pity does nothing but makes you weak and makes you feel in desperate need of support. This can't be good. Where I am right now, self pity will do nothing but paralyze me, decrease my efficiency.

The day I left college, it was painful. I didn't know where I should go. I got down at the last stop and thought for a while. Engineering was never something I wanted to do. My real passion was Fashion and I wanted to do something related to that.

So I had that decided but I thought I should have a talk with dad. He'd been there all the time so I didn't want to abandon him. I took the bus again to my home.

After reaching home, I told him everything. And to my surprise, he appreciated my decision. He said I tried enough and no one should go what I'd gone through that time.

After about ten days, I received an email from a stylist who had styled mediocre actors in Hollywood. She accepted my request to hire me as her intern.

The next day, I left for LA. Dad drove me to the airport and after some crying and expressing sentiments, he waved me goodbye.

I worked for Jessica Yang for about two months as an intern. She was an incredible help. She exposed me to Real shit of styling. After that I worked as an assistant stylist for Ashish Gupta, stylist to successful actors like Jason Mamoa and artists like Tinnie Tempa.

Working for Jess and Ash was incredible. Today, I am a mediocre stylist. I style for commercials and magazines editorials. Jess and Ash's contacts really came in handy. I also style some actors but that's once in a month. My work is less steady and stressful and more freelance and calm. It's unlikely to this profession but I am more than satisfied. I can pay my bills and ticket fare. I can buy some luxury stuff for myself once in a while without having to save.

Now I know what you all are thinking! Do I get panic attacks? Yes, I do. But that's once in a month now. My Therapist has taught me some techniques for distraction. It includes breathing and counting. It's really hardcore though. I really need to concentrate hard for that. Mediating in morning is also the part of it.

Working on past was tricky though. Erasing the memories of Lucas was hard.  Forgetting the words he said and suppressing the habit of seeing him everyday was something I had to work hard on. He really had a deep impact on me in those two months. And result! He's still the main thought in my mind.

It's been months now. I'm living my dream. Yet I can't say that I'm the happiest version of myself. I know I can be happier than this and considering what I had gone through expecting more happiness seems like greedy and unworthy. I can't convince myself to date any guy. The idea of dating another guy seems like betrayal to Lucas. Being industry where most of the guys bat for the same team, I get a lot of attention. And me not being available adds gasoline to the fire.

One question keeps me bugging though! Does he think about me? Does he remember that there once was a guy named Teddy in his life? Has he moved on? Of course he's moved on you stupid! Don't you remember his last words? I turned him he said. At that time, him being interested in me was just wishful thinking. But he sounded like he was in denial. More like disgusted by the idea of him being gay or bi.