elysian

15 - 2017: what i don't regret

i don't regret realizing that i do not have to settle. i can be picky as hell when it comes to who i want to date and it is totally okay. i do not have to settle for less or settle with someone who doesn't fit the space quite right. i will find someone who fits perfectly and is good enough. i don't regret realizing that.

i don't regret deciding to enter the chapbook contest at button poetry. it was my first time putting together a poetry manuscript, but i'm pretty proud of it. just like my novels, this manuscript has become one of my babies. and i don't regret putting it together and throwing it out into the world one bit.

i don't regret quitting competition dance. that was a decision i had made in my mind a long time ago and finally had the courage to speak up about. it was fun, don't get me wrong, but it hadn't felt right in a very long time. and i can tell that since i left that world, i have become more confident in my appearance and myself as a person. i left in the end of july, so that doesn't seem like long, but i can tell the changes that occurred. and i don't regret them.

i don't regret going to writer's club meetings more frequently now. granted, everyone is so shy — most writers are shy — it still feels like home. i really do love it and i don't regret picking it back up.

i don't regret writing promises. and alongside that, i don't regret coming forward about my experience with cyberbullying, stalking, and sexual harassment. it took a lot out of me, but my strength is coming back as i am writing (and nearing the end of) promises. that story has changed my life in ways i did not think it would when i first had the idea. i do not regret putting those words on paper and eventually on here.

i don't regret moving on. from various things all around, but i had been keeping myself from moving forward for a long time. letting go meant not having that one thing to complain or feel sad about, and i didn't know how i felt about that. but i realized in 2017 that 'sad' is not the default mood. i may have felt sadness for the better part of my life so far, but that doesn't mean sadness has to be all i feel in the future. i can let go of things that hurt me while still acknowledging that they hurt. i don't regret realizing this.

i don't regret letting myself dabble in the 'boy' area for a moment. i know i said i regret it (and i still sort of half-regret it), but it taught me a lot, so i can't totally resent it. i learned a lot about myself and about how relationships should come about. i don't regret that.

i don't regret coming to peace with the fact that i do not have to date in high school. i can be single and still have just as much fun, if not more. i do not need a partner — whether they are male or female or anything in between — to make myself feel worthy or good enough. i am good enough on my own and i don't regret finally learning this.

lastly, i don't regret embracing my sexuality. i'm demisexual, but i tell people bisexual because it's a lot easier to explain and essentially holds the same meaning to me personally. i lean more toward males, now that i have moved through some trauma, but i know i still find others attractive a lot, too. i don't regret finally becoming comfortable with that.

+++

here's to a (hopefully) amazing 2018.

one of the things i'm giving up this year is shame. so, in saying that, i've been listening to made in the a.m. by one direction for the past two days.

sue me. this album is fucking good.

that is all, have a good day🦋