elysian

6 - they are not mad at you

so, sometimes things feel a little heavy on your shoulders. sometimes it feels like you're carrying the weight of the world. sometimes it feels like the entire universe just decided to take a break and rest on your back instead.

sometimes your head is too loud. sometimes you think too much. sometimes that voice in the back of your head starts sounding sweeter and sweeter when you know deep down that sweet is a facade for the evil demon that lurks beneath it.

sometimes the sounds in your room are too loud. too soft. at an annoying pitch and volume that you can't stand so instead you search for your headphones.

i know that is how your mind feels right now.

breathe, okay? just breathe for a second. deep breaths.

now, quit the worrying. i can hear it all the way in here. worrying that loud will kill you. breathe.

they are not mad at you.

that sideways glance she gave you does not equal her being mad at you. that awkward hug does not automatically mean she isn't your friend anymore. that "never mind" that sounded so dismissive and irritated does not mean you were the cause of their irritation.

maybe they've had a rough day. maybe everyone had been ignoring them or not understanding them and you happened to be their small breaking point of giving up and saying "never mind". i promise they did not intend to hurt you. you would know if they did. trust me.

on to the other thing -- breathe. again. you're still worrying. i know it's hard to turn it off, but don't worry even more than you were before. breathe. tone the worry down. accept the facts and tell that voice "no" when it tries arguing. tell it "no". tell it "i need some sleep". tell it "you need to stop trying to manipulate me".

on to the other thing: asking for help is okay. i know it doesn't feel okay and i know it makes you feel extremely dumb, but trust me, it is okay to ask for extra help in a subject. especially if it's AP Chemistry. that shit is hard. you'd have to be a super brain child to not need help in there.

besides that, everyone needs help sometimes. you're taking one of the most difficult AP classes. if you're going to need help somewhere, it's there.

and your teacher knows this. i know she has built you up since last year and made you seem as some Chemistry prodigy (which you are, at least a tiny bit, by the way. no average kid has a 105 in AP Chemistry. be proud of yourself, girl. you're doing good.) but believe me when i say she knows some units are more difficult than others.

there is a threshold for every smart kid. the threshold of where 'not studying' is no longer going to get you anywhere. the threshold where 'not asking for tutoring' is no longer going to get you anywhere.

and you've reached it. and guess what? that's totally okay! you were going to come across it sooner or later. better now that you're in high school with a teacher who truly cares about you instead of a professor who canceled class last week because he wanted to go see a movie.

she is not going to be mad about you going in for tutoring tomorrow. or upset. or frustrated. or disappointed.

if anything -- and again, trust me here -- she's going to be proud of you.

you know why?

because when you grow up as the smart kid -- the kid who doesn't have to study for anything and still makes straight A's, the kid who can maintain a social life and do extracurriculars out their ass and still make A's, the kid who can fool around and find their passion and pursue it (for you, its writing. don't roll your eyes at me. those books you've written, especially at the length they are, are something to be proud of when you're at this age.) while simultaneously making straight A's and even 100+'s in classes -- it is so goddamn hard to swallow that.

to swallow that pride that you've built up, and not on your own, mind you. siblings boasting about you to their friends saying, "oh, she's the smart one. she's taking the same math as me and she's two years younger". parents bragging about you to their friends and other family members saying, "oh, her? we never have to worry about her--" (and that phrase came with the price of a huge bit of your self worth being taken away, but we'll work on her later) "--she's always doing good."

when all that goes away, when you're suddenly that kid who needs some extra help to get a better understanding, that can be a hard pill to swallow.

and it is hard to swallow. it's so hard. but she is going to be so proud of you (and i'm already proud) for swallowing that pill and accepting the fact that yes, this is hard and yes, i need some help here.

i promise she won't be angry. she won't be disappointed in you. she won't be frustrated that you didn't get it.

she will be happy. grateful, even. it's better you ask for help than fail a test, you know? especially when it's a subject like this that you really do enjoy and care a great deal about. it's fun, you know it is. it makes you feel like a huge nerd to admit that, but AP Chemistry is fun. screw it. it's so fun.

i promise you won't be looked down upon. i promise no one will be mad at you.

so, please. breathe.

i know if there's anyone at all that would feel disappointed in you, it would be yourself. and for no reason. because it is okay to not be perfect.

don't feel disappointed in yourself for not being able to figure this out on your own. we all need help sometimes.

and we are not perfect. no one is a perfect machine that can figure out how to do everything at their own will. sometimes we need an expert to help. sometimes that's just how life works.

getting help is not a bad thing, you know. you can apply that to a lot of things in life.

getting a little extra help to help you get by is totally okay.

it's part of being human.