Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Book 2, Chapter 1: Losing It All

//TW: swearing, trauma, self-hatred, self-destruction, suicidal thoughts\\

Alexander

The gray ceiling stared back at me, empty, obsolete. I had stared at it for hours now, unable to chase down sleep, unable to escape the millions of nightmarish thoughts murmuring in the back of my mind. I had stared at the ceiling above me for so long I had every crack and hole memorized, and yet, I could not tear my eyes away. The uniform blanket of that unforgiving monochrome was the only thing keeping me from letting go, from tripping over an edge I thought I had long put behind me.

I had stared at the ceiling for so long, expecting it to change through pure force of will alone. But it didn't. It remained the same ceiling I had kissed Thomas under, the same ceiling that witnessed our most intimate moments, that heard our most private secrets.

And now, all of that was gone.

It's funny. After close to ten hours, one would have thought I'd be fresh out of tears. But my mind wanders, and whatever I try to distract myself with somehow morphs right back into Thomas and his sad, knowing smile as he walked away, becoming just another shadow in a world full of them. And fresh tears return to my eyes like nameless, faceless soldiers come to replenish their fallen brethren.

And I found myself crying once more, the only sense of comfort being the scent of Thomas's perfume washing over my senses every now and again. And even that was already starting to fade.

That image, of Thomas turning and walking away from me for what could very well be the last time, would forever become the thing I saw just before I fell asleep, the nightmare that haunted me every moment I was awake. Yet another mark of my failure.

Anything that happened after that was a blur. It was almost like my mind had left my body. I was just there, experiencing everything that happened and not being able to do anything myself.

The only thing that stood out to me was Thomas's smile. His soft, sad, goddammed smile. His knowing yet afraid-of-the-unknown smile. His reassuring, yet somehow unnerved smile. That stupid smile he held on his face as he turned around and walked away, like a lamb following a butcher to the slaughter.

And I couldn't help the questions screaming in my head, each asserting their dominance and assuring that I would never be able to think straight again.

How could he do that? How could he just so willingly give himself up, just because there was a slight chance that James Madison would hurt us if he didn't? How could he give everything up, just so it would all be okay? Better question: how could he think it would all be okay?

I gazed up at the ceiling and I weeped, for that's all I could do anymore. That and mourn for the world I hadn't cherished enough, a world I would never see again. My phone was going off steadily, an empty chorus devoid of the meaning Thomas brought to my life, and thus, I ignored it. I ignored the constant pings! of the only people I had left checking to make sure I was alright. Why did it matter anymore? They'd leave me to, in the end.

Everybody always fucking leaves.

So I guess the only person I have to blame is me.

My eyes flickered to the plants spread through the room, covering the gray walls with their own brilliant greens and vibrant hues. A spark of life, a touch of color, a reminder of Thomas. They had flourished under his care, just as he had thrived under their steady watch. He had depended on them just as much as they on him, needing them to breathe. Perhaps it was my imagination. Perhaps I made the entire thing up in my desperation to assign a meaning to something that made no sense whatsoever.