Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 21: Alexander's Birthday Surprise

//TW: swearing, mentions of self-harm, self-loathing, intense pining\\

Y'all tell me why this chapter is lowkey 8000+ words

This is what my life has become so enjoy it

John

It would have been remarkably easier to enjoy the time we shared together, which, by the way, was becoming increasingly rarer and rarer, if Alexander at least pretended to care. But he sat there across from me, staring at his drink absentmindedly while Lafayette and Hercules prattled on about God knows what with a slightly discomforted Aaron asking them to use their brains for once. He was completely lost in his own little world separate from ours. From mine.

There were so many things I needed him to know, to see, to feel, but he would never notice a single one of them, because that's simply how the world works.

He looked so... lost. It made my stomach tighten in all the wrong ways, watching his fingers squeeze tightly around the glass filled to the brim with untouched beer, seconds away from shattering it. He looked so lost and confused and miserable and it just wasn't fair. I was right here. We were right here. Why couldn't we ever be enough for him?

I watched him as he sat there, surrounded by the four people who had been his friends since the very beginning, and yet, never had he looked more lonely. He had been like this all week, as if blinded by an invasive mist crawling through the air. As if a thick veil had fallen, obscuring his sight and keeping him away from the only things that made him happy.

My skin prickled at the thought, and I wanted to scratch at my arms until the feeling disappeared. It never would, though. Not as long as he sat there, a glaringly wrong piece of the puzzle.

"You okay, Alexander?" I made myself ask, dreading the answer. Why couldn't he at least pretend that everything was okay? Why couldn't he at least try to see me the same way he used to?

His head shot up, a guilty smile flashing across his face momentarily and disappearing just as fast. "Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Just thinking, I guess."

"You've been thinking for the past hour," Hercules said, taking a long sip of his beer. "It's time to not think, you know?"

"You should drink more," I said, nodding. "It'll make you feel better. Trust me. I kinda know from experience, and all." It took all of my willpower to keep my tone light and teasing. In the end, it didn't matter.

"I'm not really in the mood," he said, pushing the still completely filled glass further away from him.

"It's the first day in your twenty-one years of life you can actually, legally drink alcohol, and you're not going to drink alcohol?" Aaron asked, incredulous. "You are fucking weird, dude."

"Whatever. More for me." Lafayette reached for the glass and pulled it away from Alexander without asking. I grinned, waiting for him to smile too, but it never came, and it all felt wrong. This wasn't how today was supposed to go. It was his birthday. He was supposed to be surrounded by the people who cared about him. He was supposed to be happy. Why the hell wasn't he happy?

I gripped my hands a little tighter, watching Alexander as carefully as I could. "Do you want to talk about it, or do you wanna wallow in self-pity for the rest of the day?"