"what was he like?!", chaeyoung smiled, asking me while combing the wig that i will be wearing on.
me, who's been sitting casually on my bed, has giggling for it is my first time feeling this weird foreign emotion. it feels good, even though i just met him for a day.
"i never seen you smile like this in such a long timeㅡ he must be the prince charming in your story..", chaeyoung teased me.
"he's a mess but i find him beautiful, if only you could see how the pain in his eyes glow like fairy lights", i smiled widely, heat radiates to the surface of my cheeks.
it is quite true, he's a disaster, more like a calamity. i dont know what happened to his life that he wants to end it and to someone like me who is struggling to play a little game with death. what he did was totally absurd.
i am fully aware that depression leads to destruction of the mental state of a person and i have no right to judge, but still it was absurdㅡ the only thing is..
he is too handsome and i am heavily affected by his aura..
and it offends me.
it makes my body summon a swarm of butterflies inside, flutteringㅡ tingiling at every part of my body.
"what do you mean exactly?", she asked as she continues combing
i sighed as i swallowed a lump of gnawed orange pulps down my throat. i stared at the window, a sunny day, with dancing leaves of the trees as the backgroundㅡ the serenity never fails to bring me to the wonders to my thoughts as i'm being pulled again to another alternate, parallel universe.
"chaeyoung...", i called her name, she just hummed in response.
"why isn't death coming to people who are chasing it?", i interrogated her, giving her a confuse look.
"wha- what? why are you talking about death? don't tell me you are chasing it?", she stuttered with a concerned tone in her voice as she stuttered through her words and her eyebrows knitted while looking at me.
"n-no, its not that. its just, that boy, i talked about. he is the one who is trying to chase death, but luckily i'm there to pull him out of that situationㅡ i wanted to be in his shoes, actually. but i never got the guts to do that kind of shit, i just wanna see how my life really ends naturally..", i said, chaeyoung nodded, and continues combing the wig.
there was a short silence before chaeyoung replied, "well, you see. there are times that a person is so tired of running away because no matter how far the distance between them, even if it comes to the point that they can't see its shadows, when they try to look behind they can never escape it, so they thought, they have no choice but toㅡ end it all there.", she stopped combing the wig, as i simultaneously nod my head, understanding what she's trying to imply.
she placed the wig on my head, adjusting it trying to make it look as prominently natural as possibleㅡ
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"there..", she smiled as she stopped caressing my hair.
she cupped my cheeks and make me look at her direction, face-to-face. her features, soft as always. she then hugged me lovingly. her warm hugs makes me calm and comfortableㅡ and that's one of the reasons why i am really thankful to have a younger sister as a blessing and a gift. at least, i still have her.
she broke the hug and smiled at me."listen, don't ever try to think about killing yourself or elseㅡ i will fight you once i will be up there with you", she says jokingly, giving me a cheekish smile. i chuckled at her imaginative intentions.
"stop joking around, chaeyoung. this is not the time to talk about that. i am probably gonna die today..", i sighed as i grabbed the bottle of orange juice, chugging it away.
"you are still alive, you are still breathing, see?", she said.
"yes, i am alive, yes, i am breathing. but i am not living. you see, there is a difference. i am a living corpse", i responded.
it is not absurd once you're exhausted. it is everythingㅡ once you're not given any reasons to continue being alive.
my younger sister looked at me in disbelief, but also worried. she looked at me, as if i am very vulnerable and i am not fascinated to be stared at like thatㅡ she feels sympathetic for my condition right now. i can see it in her eyes.
unlike all the other people, i am like a complicated story with a very tragic plot, written by a depressed author.
lots of people think i am made for them to know how to fucking define happinessㅡ its because i am another case of tragedy in this world, and they are a tad bit luckier than me.
"well.. i am going to work now, unnie. i will be back before midnight", she stood up from the chair, and grabbed her valuables before heading to the door of my room.
"be safe. bye, rosé", i smiled cheekishly as her nickname rolled off my tongue just like that.
she grinned back at me."be safe as well! bye, wendy-unnie", she exited the room and closed the door. but before she leaves, she waved goodbye through the rectangular window of the door. i waved back at her.
now i am alone, again.
i sighed as i grabbed my phone from the night stand. i put my ear pods on, as i scroll down to my playlist, trying to find a good song to relax my mind.
i hit play.
the melody gives off a aesthetically, nostalgic vibe, as my mind splashes me with memories just like the waves in the ocean.
i miss my parents, my close friends. i sometimes wonder if they miss me too. my vision starts to get blurry and the vignette is starting to get slightly darker and darkerㅡ then realizing tears dropped from my eyes then come rolling down on my cheeks. i shouldnt be crying over and over again, like every single day.
but then suddenly, my breathing pattern starts to be unstable. i can't breath properlyㅡ i lift my hands to hold my neck, as i started to feel like choking. then pressing the button of alarm to warn the nurses.
before i knew it, i started hyperventilating, struggling to breathe some air. then they come barging inside my roomㅡ they gave me oxygen and pulled my bed out of my room, as they all rushed me to somewhere, probably in the intensive care unit.
as i laid on the running bed ,on the way to the intensive care unit, i saw a familiar figure, and he was staring at me with wide eyes.
my heart started to race at the sight of him and i don't know why i am even feeling the butterflies inside my systemㅡ but it doesn't damage me, like how it hurts when i am crying and sobbing almost everyday.
i slightly smiled at him, but then i realized i wasn't wearing my wig on, obviously one of the nurses took it off. i probably look so fucking hideous right nowㅡ he must be horrified of my disgusting appearance. i probably look like a monster, it's embarrassing.
before i loose my sight of him, i raised my arm to wave at him. but he just stares at meㅡ he didn't wave back, he creases his forehead in a state of sudden confusion and i think that is how i received the uncalled reply.
deep inside, i am happy. i truly am. just from that short moment, i am feeling the positive emotionㅡ it may be shallow, but it makes me strong, just seeing him. and i am hoping today is not the last time i will be able to cross paths with him.
