Happier

➸ THIRTY ONE

I didn't say a word as she cried into my shoulder, and I wanted nothing more than take her pain away. I just didn't know how, hell I myself was thrown into a pit of grief and I've been trying to crawl out ever since.

"I have these blank spots in my head, like a bunch of memories chopped up into pieces and I can't put them all together again." I spoke, talking about the situation out loud for the first time since it happened. I was never able to bring myself to talk about it, but if talking about it meant being Nonna some comfort in knowing she wasn't alone in this, I had to suck it up. No matter how hard it was for me. She pulled away from me and blinked some extra tears away, waiting for me to continue. I pulled away at the same time and looked down at my lap where the ring and necklace laid.

"I remember them but so briefly, like they're just a ghost of an image in my head. It kills me knowing I can't remember their voices—" my voice broke slightly, but I shut my eyes harshly, then continued. "I can remember these little things though like how I used to beg mom to let me help her cook, or asking dad to take me on a drive just because." I chuckled and looked away and towards the window. "When I woke up that day, I knew something was wrong. Maybe it was the empty look in your eyes that you tried to replace with happiness as I woke, or maybe it was just the empty void feeling in my chest that never left since that day. I somehow knew, how ironic is that since I couldn't even remember who they were." My voice suddenly turned rough, as I grew angry with myself for not being able to remember.

"As if losing them wasn't enough, I had to lose my memory of them too, like that faded away with them. The one thing I had left, and you'd assume that it would make this easier since I can't remember them but I can still feel them. I still feel the need to call out to mom when I need help getting ready, or to call out to dad for advice. It's like I feel them around me and yeah maybe I don't see them, but the emptiness inside of me tops all of that." I rubbed my face harshly and kept my face in my palms while doing so, not trusting myself to show Nonna my face in fear of crying.

"You can't be angry at yourself for that, it wasn't your fault—" She started off by saying but I interrupted with a sudden burst of anger, not aiming it towards at her but rather myself like I always have.

"Why can't I remember? Why? Why did I have to be robbed of my memory too? God I just want to be able to feel them again, listen to them again, love them again!" I stood up and started tugging at my hair, getting agitated by the second. I stopped for a second and dropped my hands to my sides, turning around to look at her again. "I want to feel loved again." I almost whispered it felt like but she caught it since she stood up too and stood in front of me.

"Listen I don't know what happened between you and Nathan but—" I cut her off abruptly, being taken back by this discovery.

"What? How do you know Nathan and I fought?" I asked quietly, being incredibly curious.

"I didn't, but now I do. I knew it was one them but I had my money on Nathan." She explained and I huffed, crossing my arms as I sat down on my desk chair. The previous fight from yesterday replayed in my head again and I stuffed my face in my hands.

She sighed and sat back on the bed that was in front of me, looking at me quietly. She wiped her eyes and took a moment to get herself together. I saw the wheels in her spinning as she was deep in thought, then her eyes snapped back to me curiously.

"Do you hate him?" She asked softly.

I was taken back by her question but without me even realizing it, I spoke mindlessly. "No."