delivered

108

"phil? please say something," dan pleads, he is out of words, out of sentences, out of anything that could possibly make this situation a little less dense. he has said everything he could, he has laid out what he thinks is best for them, he has caged his tongue into place as to not beg phil to forgive him because he has finally accepted how hard it is for phil. he knows getting over this is not easy, and he is constantly making it harder by breathing in the same air as phil. he knows he needs to leave for the better.

phil lets himself sit down on the edge of the bed, pushing his head into his hands and blocking out the sudden reality he wasn't ready to face. what the hell was he supposed to say? everything dan has said is true, yes they need time to recover from this, yes he needs to leave, yes he is hurting phil by staying in the same house but them separating is not what phil wants. he has already established that he would gladly take the heartbreak over and over again if it means for dan to stay right here, to stay with him, and he will completely ruin his sanity with denial if it means for them to pretend like nothing is wrong, if it means that he can hold and kiss and be with dan just like he always has.

"are you okay?" dan mumbles, watching as phil sits completely motionless, watching as his pale fingers disappear in his disheveled dark hair and his breathing slows and picks up all at once.

and then the tears arrive again, making the closure of the two lovers a lot more grim as phil covers his face in order to stop them from falling. they weave their way into his palms, soaking the surface, the choked sobs that leave his lips are muffled but break through the uncomfortable silence all the same and dan fails to comprehend his reaction. he was hoping for phil to be at least a bit more accepting if not happy about the revelation that he is finally listening to phil and deciding to leave. he doesn't know what to make of phil's shaking figure, of his lack of words, of his sudden emotional outburst.

"phil?" but he still makes his way over to the older man, hurriedly sinking on the bed next to him and hesitantly placing his hand on phil's shoulder, letting out a small gasp of surprise when phil pushes his body onto his, phil's arms wrapping tightly around his neck causing dan to stumble from the weight, both of them falling back on the bed.

the surprise of the situation is overpowered by the sadness, the sadness of the fact that phil needs to find comfort in none other than dan's arms even after all that's happened between them. dan puts his thoughts on mute for a while longer as he pulls phil closer to him, phil's body almost on top of him as he shakes with sobs, marking dan's skin damp with tears that fall in accordance with the thought of his departure.

"you can't do this, this should be my decision, i should-i should be the one deciding whether you leave or not," phil raises his voice pathetically, his fingers curling tighter around the collar of dan's shirt and dan buries his nose in phil's hair before breathing out loud.

"i know, but we need this, you know we do," it takes everything dan to believe that phil is only saying this because he's vulnerable. neither of them have ever loved anyone more than they love each other so this sudden distance, this sudden departure has to be torturous in more ways than one.

"what about adrian? what about our family?" phil attempts to pull away but dan holds him in place, wanting this to last as long as possible because he doesn't know when he will be able to feel the warmth of phil's body against his and let phil's scent-cinnamon and mint-comfort him when he doesn't deserve it.

"i'll be in touch with adrian, of course i will, and i'm sure he'll understand, he's a mature kid,"

and the silence falls somewhere along controlled breathing and dan's hand rubbing along phil's spine, somewhere between unsaid words and bitten tongues. neither of them know how to put what they feel in words; dan just hopes that things finally fall into place, that distance and time enriches their relationship and him torturing himself by leaving phil contributes something positive to their downfall. and phil just hopes that this is all a lie, that tomorrow morning when he wakes up dan will be there in the kitchen making breakfast with his mum, that he can wake up just one more day to find brown eyes and darker hair, bitten lips and a dimpled smile right here where they have always been.

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this was supposed to be a lot more heartbreaking but i know you all wanted updates and----well let's just blame the crap writing on exams

happy 2018 to y'all !!

tell me your new years resolutions in the comments and maybe i could take some inspiration from them and be a better person this year !!

also character ask will be out soon ( soon meaning like in atleast a week but stfu )