Project Unfiltered [editing]

21| holidays

The holidays can make many people feel isolated and very alone. Know that you are loved and supported even if it doesn't feel that way. - Bri Luna

***

Dear Jacob,

It's currently the month of December as I write this.  Funnily enough, when I pulled out the my laptop to write other things for other stories, I got stuck writing to you instead. There is a hollow inside of me, because though we never have spent the holidays together, you had been a facet of mine for a while now. 

As per usual in my family, I cooked a lasagna and helping with the roast and then just dancing around the sound of the Christmas soundtrack my mother loved to play during the holidays. It was good. I didn't think about you or anything sad like that. I was happy.

And then after a while I sat there with my sisters as they were on the phone with their boyfriends. They smiled and laughed as they talked to them and wished them Merry Christmas and both calls ended with an I love you.

It was a weird feeling of envy because that was something I once had. Remember Christmas last year? I remember it was twelve in the morning of Christmas when you greeted me with an I love you right at the end. I felt so loved in that moment. Here was a guy who went out of this way to tell me that and I knew that I was going to cherish that forever.

We had exchanged gifts prior but I had remembered feeling giddy looking at it on Christmas morning. 

And now that was gone. I never would have guessed that it would be my last Christmas with you.

After three Christmases with you in my life, it definitely felt weird without you in it, I have to admit. I mean, every holiday that's upcoming is going to feel weird as I will be experiencing them for the first time now as a newly single girl.

I'm honestly going to miss our mini countdowns to Christmas Day, our long talks about how we spent our holidays with our respective families, or even those texts you'd send me when you're a little tipsy from those one too many beers you'd have with your dad.

It was those little things that made me feel connected to you even when you were so far away.

And this moment reminds me about all those jokes and memes about how sad it is to be single during the holidays. How no one wants to be this singleton sitting under the tree with no one to hold them. It's almost ironic how sad that imagery is meant to look when in reality, not having a significant other wasn't supposed to be this huge mark of failure. 

Of course there was wistfulness over the fact that I missed having someone special, but I wasn't about to let my lack of my boyfriend ruin a great holiday season with my family and the people most special around me. And that's more than I could ever ask for. 

And while I don't know if you already have a new girlfriend, I quite frankly don't care as much if you do. Because, whether you do or you don't, I hope you're happy right now. 

I  also hope you do have happy holidays. I did and I'm wishing you the same. I never thought I'd say that and mean it, but I do. 

Merry Christmas Jacob. 

-Mia