Project Unfiltered [editing]

03 | letting go

"Holding is believing that there's a past; letting go is knowing that there's a future." - Daphne Rose Kingma

***

Dear Jacob,

Today I threw away all your letters and gifts. The notes you'd stick in my locker when it was exam week. The Valentine's Day Letter you made me, and your first "I Love You" note.

These are things that I said to myself, I'd cherish forever and ever. And I loved these things so much because I couldn't believe how thoughtful you were to think of me. Each letter or trinket was attached to a memory that I hold near and dear to my heart. And I can honestly say there was a painful feeling that lingered as I ripped every letter and threw all the pieces away. Because destroying them felt like I was ripping pieces of my heart too.

Call me throwing them away being bitter. Call it being dramatic. But it's not about being bitter anymore. It's not about the fact that I'm making such impulsive decisions. It's the fact of what these things represent. They represent you and they represent our love. Our love that I'm sending back, because I really can't keep it anymore.

It's heavy and it's painful to think that these small things were the foundation of us. What kept me going, kept me hoping, and what kept me believing that we would get through all of the rough patches we went through. These things gave me that false hope that you still loved me. I remember clutching them close to me every time I felt upset because of you. I tried to find solace in them because they came from a time when you still cared about me.

But for me to begin to move on and past this point in my life, it means that I can't keep these reminders anymore. These reminders are what will keep me so deeply rooted in the past and I can't stay there anymore. I don't need any more reasons to still love you, because I know I do.

However, you can't imagine how much it hurts to get rid of these things. It feels like I'm erasing the last three years of you. I'm erasing what I considered to be the best parts of my junior year. But I can't stay sane with these things reminding me of our failed relationship.

I just can't.

It's driving me crazy every night, knowing that these things that I held so close to my heart, are the things that have cause me the worst pain I have ever experienced.

What makes it worse is that I know I'm still in love with you.

I admit it. I'm still deeply in love with you. I miss you so much right now that it hurts so much to know that you're probably all okay when I'm here being so miserable. I'm scared that I can't let go of you. I'm scared that I can't even let go of us. I still don't know how I'm even holding myself together because these last few days have felt like actual torture.

But getting rid of these, are the first step towards moving on from you. Moving towards a chapter without you in it. Its been 3 years since I've ever had a time that you weren't so majorly present in my life so it will take a lot of getting used to. Three years, I mean it's not easy to throw that away because it feels so much longer than that. All my formative years in junior high school was yours... In a month from now I'm supposed to begin my senior high school years. Kind of scary to think that you aren't part of those years anymore.

-Mia

author's note:

happy saturday everyone!

finally, i've been able to update twice in a row! and i just wanted to quickly dedicate this chapter to Brooke for the lovely cover as seen above! thank you again! 

i truly hoped you enjoyed the chapter and please comment down below your thoughts :) 

see you all the next update!

-eringirl123