Project Unfiltered [editing]

01 | why

"If you leave someone at least tell them why, because what's more painful than being abandoned; is knowing you aren't even worth an explanation." - quoteslife101.net

***

mia / jacob

I couldn't breathe. The world seemed to be swaying all around me. I felt sick to my stomach. The scene around me was beginning to blur. The tears were welling up in my eyes, on the verge of spilling. It really just happened, Jacob just broke up with me.

It took about five more seconds until the tears began falling. My legs were suddenly made of jelly and it was like they couldn't keep me up anymore. I heard the door fly open as my sister Fiona rushed in to find me crying.

"Em, what's wrong?" She said, slowly walking closer to try to hold me. I backed away at first, refusing any type of physical contact. Eventually, I let her near me as she enveloped me into the biggest hug.

"Jacob broke up with me." I said through choked sobs. I heard her sigh as she pulled me in closer. She patted my back, almost as a way to tell me it was going to be okay. But at that point, I really couldn't see how I could be okay. All I felt was pain. Gradually, my tears streamed down like a waterfall and my sobs got louder. The shrieking sound of tears filled the quiet room, with the pain echoing off the walls. I stayed there and cried.

And I almost didn't feel any need to stop.

               Hours later, I laid in bed feeling thoroughly exhausted. There were tears and chunks of hair dried to my face. There was sad music playing in the background. Sounds incredibly cheesy and sappy but all I wanted to do was sulk in peace. My chest felt like it was tightening to a point where even breathing felt painful. I still felt the need to cry but my eyes were too dried up to make any more tears.

I cried for a while in my mother's arms as she hugged me and rubbed my back for comfort. She didn't say much while I cried. I think we both knew what I needed right now was just silence. It almost felt like I was six and crying over a mean girl at school again. But the pain I felt then didn't even come close to the way I felt now.

As I laid in bed, I decided to check my phone. I had messages flooding into my phone from my best friend Clare. I told her about the entire thing a while after it happened. Her words were ones that only a best friend would know to say. She told me that Jacob should to go to hell and rot by himself. She told me I deserved so much better than him. She told me that I am worthy of love greater than what he had offered me. I laughed at some of her words and felt a sense of love for this girl. She always knew how to make me feel better. I texted her back a short thanks.

But despite her attempts, I still felt so confused and angry. All I wanted was answers from Jacob. All I wanted was some sort of reason to why he caused me this much pain. And I wanted to get rid of this suffocating feeling. It made me feel pathetic but I almost wished he would text me something. Anything. His words were the ones I wanted to see the most right now.

I got up after while and went outside for some water. I passed by my desk where on it I had a lot of gifts and notes from Jacob. Many of these things, I had left out so that I would be able to see it all the time. Each note, each trinket, and each piece of history brought tears to my eyes as I held the close to my heart again. For the longest time, these things made me so happy at the mere sight of them. But now, they are painful reminders of the relationship I once had.