alternate feelings || bws

chapter thirty || "what's easier than me and you?"

I sat in his chair, in his shirt, doused in his aftershave and his favourite mug filled with his favourite drink, coffee with a shot of whiskey, was firmly in my hand just desperate to keep him alive within me. The button up was like a dress on me, reaching to my knees meaning I obviously had knee highs covering the rest of my legs. His aftershave was something I would repurchase over and over and this drink, although vile would probably become something I would drink every morning and night just like he did. In me was where he lived and I wanted him to feel at home.

I wasn't able to cry anymore; my body being so overly dehydrated it was ridiculous. I was literally all dried up. My lips were chapped, my hair was dead, my face was sunken in and I had basically black circles surrounding my eyes. I didn't look nice, I looked like the definition of death.

I didn't tell Brad like I said I would and I don't know how he feels about that, he's been avoiding me and to be honest I've been avoiding him which proves to be harder when your co-habiting with said person. I haven't attended school, I took a few days/weeks off of work and thankfully still getting paid. Telling her someone died, not disclosing who. She was lovely about it, just like she was when she gave me a few weeks off when Olivia had died; I went back a few days later by choice but this time I don't think that'll be the case.

His favourite record sounded throughout the house, Brad being in the bathroom having a shower I think. At least I assume so by the singing I can hear, I'm not complaining though as his voice was beautiful and I could listen to it on repeat for days on end.

I took a sip of the coffee, the term used very lightly as it was basically just an alcoholic beverage now, my nose scrunching at the too strong taste. I didn't like black coffee in the first place and whiskey was something I would only ever drink if there was nothing else available.

Brad had barely spoke two words to me and I don't blame him, I wasn't exactly the best company to be around. My aura probably immediately made someone incredibly sad. I thought we solved our problems the prior night but of course we hadn't, you can't exactly forgive and forget after someone told them they didn't love you. I have no idea how that must feel but it really must hurt and I regret ever saying it, being a complete and utter lie and I was always told to tell the truth no matter what.

He leaves the bathroom, his hair wet and water droplets dripping down his chest and to the V-line that was exposed due to his dangerously low grey sweatpants. How can someone look that perfect? I quickly reverted my gaze, scared I would begin to literally drool over him and he didn't need a bigger head than he already had.

"Seriously Lauren, what's happened?" He asks and I just shrug, taking my glasses off of the table and placing them on my nose before resuming in the reading of my book.

I hear him groan as he makes his was towards me, grabbing my book out of my hand and throwing it across the room and a gasp leaves my mouth. He lost my page. I stare at it from across the room, my mouth parted and just as I stand to go and retrieve it he places his hands on either side of the armchair, trapping me.

"What the fuck, Brad? Can't you see I don't want to talk to you? That I've got bigger fucking problems than you throwing your toys out the pram because of a fucking word?!" I yell in his face, however, he doesn't flinch but I see his jaw clench.

"Stop going back to that bitch, I may have fell for you when you acted like that but now I hate her. I want you, Laur, not her." He calmly says, close enough to me that I can feel his hot breath on my face. "I know you're scared, scared that I'll leave you and of someone loving you but please just see that I'm not going to go, I'm never going to go."

"It isn't that easy." I murmur, playing with the coffee cup in my hands.

"What's easier than me and you?" He softly asks and all the built up emotions just come spewing out, all the held in sentences.

"Everyone I fucking love leaves me!" I shout, standing up and he finally lets me, looking taken aback. "That's why I told you I didn't love you, that's why I never fucking say it because everyone leaves! Liv's gone, I love her, my dad's gone and I love him, I didn't even get to meet my mum but I love her and she isn't here. It's a reoccurring pattern in my life and I can't lose you too, you're all I have left."

My hands were pulling at my hair and my glasses had been thrown on the floor and were most likely broken but I didn't care. My heart was literally non-existent at this point as everything came back to me, all the breaks meeting together and just completely shattering the entirety of my heart. I was feeling so much, I felt love, sadness, anger, loneliness.

I get turned around, ring clad hands on my cheeks forcing me to look into their eyes, tucking my hair behind my ear and tracing a thumb over my freckled cheeks.

"My dad's dead." I tell him, tears I didn't even know where there make their way out of my eyes and he kisses them away with his soft lips.

I collapse in his arms and he holds me as I sob into his chest, whispering that he is never leaving and I finally begin to accept that.

He carries me to the bathroom, running a bath and gently undressing me before carefully placing me in the hot water. Tears continued to run down my cheeks as he washed my hair and body, his fingers touching every inch of me ever so softly, kissing my shoulders and cheek every now and then.

He helps me stand up and wraps a towel around me, holding me to his chest and I melt into him. All this care and love he was showing me was what I've needed my whole life. He dried me off and helped me into my pyjamas before tucking me in with a kiss to the head, getting into the other side of my bed and I instantly cling to his chest, scared he may just slip away.

I lay there in his arms, him softly snoring above me as I realise for the first time ever that I'm not alone.