alternate feelings || bws

chapter eighteen || "should i come over?"

To : Brad
i'm sorry
delete delete delete

To : Brad
i miss you
delete delete delete

To : Brad
u know what ur a complete dickhe
delete delete delete

I threw my phone across the room in anger, letting a frustrated groan leave my lips as I throw myself on my bed. It had been a week since the whole incident with Brad and two days since I had been discharged from hospital, all them days spent being tubed meaning I had put on weight and all the mirrors in my room were covered by blankets and one had been smashed by a shoe. I have to go to support group weekly so right now I feel like I'm not even living my own life right now.

The only time I had seen Brad was on social media, images of all the parties he's been attending all over my instagram and in each and everyone he has a different girl on his arm. I was attending college but was keeping to myself more so than usual, not even talking to my friends unless it was over very blunt text messages.

There was a party on tonight at I think Ana's house, would it be a bad idea for me to go? The worst. Am I still going to go? Of course. Why am I going? To make a certain brown eyed boy see that I am better and to make him incredibly jealous. Was I a bitch? The biggest.

I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing, maybe I did have feelings for him and maybe I don't. Maybe I just want to live up to the stone cold bitch he claims to hate and get a kick out of him yelling at me because I miss it so much. How weird is that? I miss someone so much I actually miss them shouting at me and calling me all the names under the sun just because it means they are giving me the attention I want.

This situation reminds me a lot like Liv and Tris' very short relationship, it was toxic and I think she got addicted to it for that very reason. Or maybe she really was in love with him and wanted him to hurt her just so she could say she was hurt by him.

love

i'm falling in love with you

falling

in love

with me.
with you.

The words he had said were circling my mind every single second of every single day, breaking themselves up and making my heart have palpitations each time. Then the words he had said to me about not knowing how to love anything also pop into my head and I think about how untrue they were. I love Olivia with everything in me, I love my dad more than life itself, I love him-

No. I don't love him, I can't love him. I can't go from hate to like to hate to love just like that, it's impossible right? It's impossible for feelings to alternate that much with one singular person. I wasn't in love with him, I shouldn't be in love with him.

He doesn't even love me, he said he was falling in love and there is a very big difference. He was falling in love with me a week ago and doesn't he have to continue to see me to actually fall in love with me? Part of me wants him to be in love with me, perhaps so I could fall in love with him.

I need to see him. I need to make all these feelings clear and I don't want them to be able to be switched off like a light switch. If we were to be in love I would want it to be genuine, no playing games just me, him and love.

My phone buzzes from the other side of the room causing me to get up from my position of staring at the ceiling and retrieve it, my heart jumping as I read the name on my screen.

From : Brad
I'm still mad at you but I haven't seen you for a while and I was wondering if you were okay

To : Brad
physically? yes. mentally? no.

From : Brad
Listen, I know I said what I said and it's probably fucking you over but I meant it. I've been a dick, I know and I've been trying to get you out my head with other girls and nothing is working. I need to see you Lauren.

To : Brad
i need to see u too

From : Brad
Should I come over?

To : Brad
up to u romeo

I quickly rush around my room, uncovering the mirrors but still avoiding looking in them as I continue cleaning the rest of my room. I hurriedly pull on an oversized jumper over my vest top to avoid him seeing my body, scared of judgement at how much weight I was beginning to put on.

I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting him to never speak to me again and to just make awkward eye contact at the party as I tried to get his attention by grinding on random guys as a plan to make him jealous. I had all this doubt in my head about him, about how he didn't care about me one bit but once again he goes and proves me wrong and I hate him for it.

Actually no.

The truth was I was falling for him too and at first I didn't realise, falling too slow to notice but now I'm falling rapidly and I'm so close to hitting the ground and I just hope he's at the bottom waiting to catch me.

It wasn't my plan to begin falling for him, to give him so much of me and trust him not to hurt me. I couldn't control what was happening as it took me so long to realise that it was in fact happening. One person could make your whole life change in the span of a day.

I try to deny it but the truth is I am falling in love with him and he made me realise, so really I should thank him for completely fucking my head up.

so. this is the chapter i had written before all of this had happened and before i had gotten told i might have a disorder which links to this book, you may be able to guess.

i cant continue this book with something thats so close to me and triggering to me, having to write about it is not beneficial on my mental health.

don't worry, im working on another book that i have no idea when it will be up since i am taking a break but i cant continue with this book.

im sorry, i hope you all understand.

you can make your own ending for lauren and brad and comment them if you want for other people to read.

maybe i'll come back to finish this book and maybe i wont.

i love you.

edit - im back and better than ever (lmao not really but im back)