alternate feelings || bws

chapter twenty || "sleeping, make it yourself"

I stare at the ceiling as I lay in bed, the side beside me empty and me wishing for a warmth there. I was distancing myself from him, I didn't let him sleep in the same bed as me no matter his pleads, although we had slept in the same bed before I was trying to get rid of his feelings and rid of the ones that were developing inside me.

It was all fine when I didn't know what I was feeling, I could kiss him and not worry, I could talk to him and not feel something in my stomach and I could look at him without my heart just wanting to jump out and land into his hands. If he hadn't told me he loved me, which he doesn't, he can't love me it would have all been normal. I can't be the first girl he has had feelings for, the only feelings we should have for each other is hate. It was so much easier then.

"Laur?" I hear from my doorway. "I can't sleep."

"I can, night." I say, turning over off my back and closing my eyes with a pounding heart.

"Can you make me hot chocolate?" He asks and I can't help the small smile appearing on my face.

"Sleeping, make it yourself."

I feel the left side of my bed go down, meaning he had sat down, and fingers brushing my hair out my face. He places a gentle kiss to my jaw, his hands entering the duvet and tracing down my body which I suddenly became very aware that I was only wearing my underwear.

"What are you doing?" I ask, trying to hide my breathlessness.

He doesn't say anything, he just rolls me on my back meaning my eyes are now looking straight into his and he was so close I could see every slight bit of gold in them. His hand embraces my face, it then gently glides down my body, stopping on my hips.

"Do you feel anything?" He softly asks, his voice full of lust.

"No." I lie.

It was all I seemed to do nowadays, I was really feeling everything and more. Goosebumps were littering my entire body, I felt tingles I had never felt before and my lungs were about to collapse. It was incredibly hard to control my breathing right now.

"Would you feel something if I said that certain phrase."

My eyebrows furrow and all the feelings disappear and every single doubt filled my mind and once I again I strongly disliked him.

"So you say you love me I go crazy and you can stick it in right? You love me so I owe you my body and my virginity right?" His hand became stiff and his mouth fell open.

"You're a virgin?" He confusedly asks.

"Unlike you I don't shag everything with a pulse." I push him off me, sitting up against my bed frame, staring right in front of me with a look that could kill.

"Lauren, Lauren- oh my god look at me!" So I do, I look at him with an ice cold look.

"If I have sex with you will you leave me alone?" I tilt my head in a questioning manner and he looks taken aback.

"What? No! Lauren, my feelings for you are real. The realest thing I have ever felt."

I bite my lip and stand from my bed, grabbing my jumper from earlier and tugging it over my body to cover me from him.

I grab his hand and take him into the kitchen and sit him at the dining table, feeling his eyes on me with my every move. I make him that hot chocolate he wanted and place it down in front of him.

"Drink that and go back to sleep." I tightly smile but before I could walk away I was pushed against the wall.

He looks straight into my eyes, hand firmly on my face and his other on my hip.

"Listen. Okay, you're lucky I'm even saying this to you because I literally don't talk to people about my feelings. I saw you first day of college, everyone was all over you and I couldn't even get a look in. What do you do if a girl you're interested in doesn't know you exist, by the way it hurts but you have no clue what I'm talking about because you could have everyone. Anyways, you get them to know you and I went for the dickhead move but you were talking about me, you knew who I was, you argued with me so I kept pretending I hated you to keep getting your attention. I slowly started to fall in, well I can't say it because you'll kick me but you know what I mean. Everything I do is to get you to notice me and now everything I do is because I feel like I've finally got you and trying to prove to you that I'm worth it."

"How do I know you're making all this shit up-"

"To get into your pants?" He raises an eyebrow and I look down. "I wouldn't put this much effort in having sex with you, because I mean I shag everything with a pulse so I could just fuck a fish couldn't I?"

"Finish your hot chocolate, I put a lot of effort into that." I avoid eye contact with him.

He could probably feel my heart; I wasn't making it subtle that I was feeling something for him. It may not be to the extent he was but it was definitely something, something very different to what I have ever felt before. I didn't want him to see what he was doing to me, I didn't want to admit it to him or myself that the boy I used to wish dead was now my whole entire life and he had fought his way into my heart and made a home out of it.

I don't want to, I can't but I do feel something for him and it's slowly starting to show it's head.