Save Me (Zacky Vengeance)

We All Have Emptiness Inside

I woke up feeling very groggy. The memories of last night flashed in my mind and I looked at my arm and it was in fact, stained with my blood. I slid out of my bed and went to my bathroom and run myself a bath. I went to my closet and dig out a pair of black sweatpants and a suicide silence t-shirt, I grabbed my girl boxers and fluffy socks. I left them on the floor in the bathroom and locked the door, stripping myself of my pj's, I sat myself in the warm bath.

I washed my hair and my body. I tied my wet hair in a bun and washed my body with coconut body wash, making me smile at the smell. I looked down at my arm and stared at it. I was angry, and upset. I drowned myself in my own sadness and anger, self harm was the only thing that crossed my mind for me to release all my emotions. It's not the best way to do it, but it's just what I feel and how I deal with it. I cleaned the blood of and got out the bath. I dried myself off and put on my black bra, and black underwear. I looked down at my skinny legs and flat stomach. I hated my legs, and also my stomach. I could never put any weight on and it made me feel like there was definitely something wrong with me. I didn't want to think about that, so I pulled my t-shirt on and slipped my sweatpants on and then my socks and left the bathroom. I blow dried my hair and straightened over it because it always goes puffy when I blow dry it.

I slipped on my slippers and opened my door and heard voices downstairs. I didn't acknowledge who's voices or how many, I grabbed my hoodie and slipped it on before going downstairs. I walked over to the cupboard and grabbed a glass and filled it with water, completely ignoring whoever was actually in the kitchen. But they didn't seem to ignore me.

"Ashley?" I turned my head and saw that all the guys were here. "yes?" I replied, to who I think was Matt saying my name. I wasn't exactly sure, since they were all looking at me. "Why are you wearing a hoodie? It's like 30 degrees outside" he asked. I wanted to jut sink into the floor, but I knew that wouldn't happen. "Um, I don't know. I just want to wear a hoodie" I said and sipped at my water. I filled it up again and left the kitchen. Zacky didn't even acknowledge me, not like I ever really was acknowledged by anyone.

I placed my glass on my nightstand and sat cross legged on my bed. The photos beside my backboard caught my eye and I instantly took them off and look at then all. One was of me and Zacky at one of his shows, and me and Jimmy. I had the biggest smile that matched Jimmy's and Zacky's. I was small compared to Jimmy, but I was just about the same height, just a tiny bit smaller than Zacky. There was a couple of me and my sister, me and my mom, and 2 of me and my stepdad. I had a smile on my face, because I was happy. And now, when I look at myself I don't have that smile. I don't have the sparkle in my eyes anymore. My face doesn't glow anymore. I used to smile everyday because my life was great at the time, minus the part were my mom was a bitch to me. I still love my mom, she carried me for 9 months, and she raised me and lots more, that's why I love her. Also the short amount of time that she showed me love, but the times after that, I didn't love her for.

My whole life I was mistreated, so coming into my dad's family, where I was mistreated by his wife, and by him I didn't feel any different. The love I got from Matt and Val was overwhelming. Brian and Michelle treated me the same as Matt and Val, same with Jimmy Leana, Johnny, Lacey and Papa Gates and Suzy. They all basically treated me like I was their own child, all expect for Lorena and Zacky. I didn't expect or even want Lorena to treat me like her own, but I was biologically Zacky's daughter, and he didn't even treat me like I was.

"Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you? When it's easy enough to find someone who looks down on you" I said to myself, quoting Three Days Grace song Someone Who Cares.

I genuinely did think that, it was easier to find someone who looked down on you, and harder to find someone who cares about you. The only person who I really thought cared about me was my sister. She genuinely did care about me, but ever since she died, I've never felt like someone cared ever since. I felt like whole world was against me, when really it was just myself who I was against. I was fighting with myself and my thoughts, and it was always my thoughts that won. I called them my demons.