I don't want a real relationship but I don't want a fictional one

Chapter five: You were my best friend

Addi and I walk to my building, going up the stairs, passing three doors down to my apartment front door. I see a note on my door. 

I took it out. 

My landlord came by todayand wants me at his office to pay the rent. 

Great. 

"Okay, Addi I'm here," I said to her. 

"Will you be alright? Are you sure you don't want to stay at our place?" 

"Addi, this is your honeymoon. don't worry about me." I said nonchalant. 

I dig in my pockets to get my keys. 

"Aren't you scared?" 

"scared of what?" I said glancing back at her. 

"The attacker!" 

She raise her voice.

Addi shakes her head, "I just don't get it.  Why aren't you getting frustrated?! You always like this!" 

She begins to pace back ad forth.

"I don't understand you! Someone attack you and you being calm about this."  

"Addi, please!" I said raising my voice. 

"You always put on this stupid face that says "I'm fine!" She throw her arms in the air. "Stop doing that!"  

"Then, you don't know me!?" I shot her back. 

"We have been best friends since high school! I know what's wrong with you!" She claps her hands together  and then points at me.  

"News Flash Addi! You don't know me! You left seven years ago out of my life. Where were you when Jake and I broke up?! Where were you when I'm crying in the middle of the streets? Where were you for the pass seven birthday I have? Where were you when I call you to check if you were okay? Addi! I have change alot! I'm not the same awkward best friend!  Please stop saying you know me because you don't!"

For the first time, I'm screaming at someone. It's my best friend. I can feel the tears pouring out. My voice is straining as I'm screaming for her to understand.

The life she wasn't there for.

Something I have to deal with on my own.  

"My life is a screw up! I live in a cheap, ugly apartment! I work every single day for a job I don't even care for. I'm not married! I am thirty years old, Addi! At sixteen, I thought I was going to get married and have kids! Have a decent job! Guess what! This is where I am Addi. Look at my life! I'm sorry, I'm not you Addi who got a great husband and have luxury life without worrying about nothing not even my best friend." 

Does she understand now? My life is not a fairy tale. This is what I go through and what I think. 

It's not going to change that. 

I know our friendhsip has change. 

We are not the same people. 

She should know that. 

In a way, we both avoid it.

The problem was time. 

Addi stays quiet and look at my expression. She finally realize. 

There was alot of things in our life that change us. 

I'm not sure at this point should we stay friends. 

"I'm sorry," she said. 

"Nathan is waiting for you. you should go to him," I said sniffing my nose.