Daisy

I Always Loved it

That was so close...God that was so close. I make it back to the apartment and fly up the stairs. I really didn't have time for anymore unexpected encounters today. I had reached my limit. I open the door and shut it quick laying back onto it. I could hear my heart pounding through my chest. Second by second it felt like my chest was getting tighter and tighter and suddenly I realized I couldn't breathe. I reach for my phone as I start to stumble forwards. I open it and try and type as much as I can through the in and out of blackness. I get to type,

"sunsh-" Before just black.

When I come to Zeeks is above me flashing a light in my eye.

"Can you hear me? Angel? Do you hear my voice? Nod if yes." She says as I squint trying to get my eyes to focus then nodding yes.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Yeah...just give me a sec." I say back to her leaning up on to my elbows then resting there. Damn my head is hurting. I rub it as I look around before looking to Zouls. She looks...worried,

"I ran home and like when I was standing I started to feel like my heart was like literally beating out of my chest, then I realized I couldn't catch my breath and then I couldn't breath. I just started to feel so light headed and the room was just spinning. So I tried texting the panic word but I couldn't get the whole thing out so I just sent it. I'm glad you didn't just dismiss it cause I don't know what happened to me Zouls...Am I sick or something?" I say looking up at her. By the way she looked back at me I could tell she knew I was just as scared as her.

"Come here." She says helping me up then walking me over to the couch,

"It sounds like you experienced an anxiety or panic attack. Some people cry uncontrollably, or start having symptoms close to a asthma attack. For you it seems like you had that, along with passing out too. That's a pretty serve one Angel. Have you ever experienced anything like this before?"

"Umm..yeah. I remember the same thing happening when my parents found out about me being gay. I remember feeling like I was crumbling and then just not being able to breathe and then just fading out. I woke up 30 mins later on the floor of my room. I was honestly lucky I didn't hurt myself but I never told anyone what happened. That next week actually they kicked me out and then the rest's history." I said shrugging and slouching back into the couch rubbing my head again.

"Angel these types of things can be dangerous. Especially since you have breathing issues and pass out. You could give yourself a concussion or something. What the hell is stressing you out so fucking bad?! Is it worth yo damn life?! Is a girl? Or many girls worth giving yourself a panic attack over?!" She yells her voice cracking before she could finish. She clutched her fist to her mouth before turning away but she didn't turn away fast enough to hide the beginning of tears.

"Zouls...Right now I fe-...I feel like I'm such a screw up. Like what the fuck is wrong with me you know?" I say as I look down as my tears start to fall,

"And it's like I keep trying to make the right choices but even when I do that it feels like I'm fucking it more and more up man... and I'm just tired of being a screw up. I'm tired of letting so many people down. You! Breasha! my bestfriends! Man even Dee is disappointed in my right now and you know that's like my sister... My parents. Especially my mom. There's not a day that goes by I sit there and think to myself, 'Damn..the people who brought you into this world really don't want you. All because of who you are and who you love they can't seem to love you.' That's what I have in my head every day Zouls. That shit is soul crushing sometimes! And what the fuck do you do with that man? What THE FUCK does anyone expect YOU to do with that shit man?" I say as I just feel myself letting go of all the tears I've been trying to fight back,

" I just can't no more...I'm tired." Zouls just stared at me in silence. That was all we had after that too. Silence. She had not seen me like for a very long time, neither had I. Things needed to change.

I woke up to the sound of nothing. No birds, no sirens, not even my phone buzzing. Just nothing, and there was silence again. I wasn't uncomfortable either or anxious by. I even had silence in my head and that was a first for me in a long time. I sat up and stretched before sliding out of bed. I walked to my bathroom, took off my clothes and just sat in the shower. The warmth... it was so comforting. The steam seemed to swell up a room, and almost suffocate the air and person inside it. I always loved it. It made me just feel so warm... I had felt so cold for so long. I just wanted to be warm. I just wanted to feel the warmth. I allowed myself to let loose as I had been wound up so tightly about all of the things that occurred in these past few weeks. I feel like I finally fell apart last night, and now I wondered of what of my pieces should I save? And even then were they worth saving? I think I sat in the bathroom for over and hour before I got out. I wiped the mirror and just stared. I didn't know if I should start crying, or scream, or smile or anything. I ended up just standing there and staring. I really didn't know what else to do but I knew I had to do something.

"Zouls! You here?" I yelled, then listened.

"Yeah! I took the day off today. Also I called the school today. Told'em you were sick today." She yelled back. I smiled a bit. Zouls was my soul mother. Even thought she had not birthed me into this world, she took care of me as if she did, and I always loved her for that. I threw on a shirt and some pants and threw my hair into a messy bun before walking out. She was sitting up against the wall with a pillow from her bed and a blanket. I didn't know how long she had been there but in that moment she touched my heart so deeply I couldn't help but start crying. She never left me, and disregarded me when I messed up or fell apart. I bent down and hugged her. I felt like I couldn't ever let go of someone who loved me that much. She kissed my forehead over and over while rubbing my back repeating.

"We are made of love here. Love is all we give here. Nothing more and nothing less, just love. You are safe here."