Pain 2: Him (H.S)

Chapter 1

I walk the school halls in a blank. I see nothing, hear nothing, feel absolutely nothing; I've isolated myself from everything and I feel drained. I feel almost...dead. The familiar faces of my friends and teachers aren't recognizable anymore; all replaced with new faces and names. I don't talk anymore, I don't even feel anymore. I feel nothing! Nothing at all. Do I even have a heart anymore? Probably not.

I don't talk to Niall because he already knows too much about my life and relationship and I'm too embarrassed to face him. I'm sure Harry told him everything, probably ran to him every time we had a problem and vented instead of speaking to me. I rarely talk to Conor, few 'hi's' and 'what's up,' but that's it. Harley attempts to lighten me up by making plans to go the mall and movies but I can't seem to want to. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. Teachers have noticed and recommended me to the counselor but I never went. What do I need that for? I think the best way to get over something is to allow yourself to cry and pass through the suffering, don't you think? You can't force someone to feel better. You can't force them to smile and feel happy when they have absolutely no reason to. That's the problem with people nowadays. They think they can snap their fingers like a genie and make you smile just to do it. They don't really care. They're being paid to do it.

Since the breakup, I've seen Harry only once and that's today. He didn't show up the last two days of last week and yesterday. He just disappeared. Vanished just like the memories in my head.

That's all he is now. A memory.

Every kiss, every touch, every word; a memory.

Every "I love you," every laughter, every smile; a memory.

He came the next day though, he didn't speak or look at me, not to anyone as a matter of fact. He kept quiet just like me and minded his own business but it was hard. We have every class together and in each one, I felt his eyes on me. I felt them burning through my back and I desperately wanted to turn and look but I fought the urge. I fought the little voice that always overpowered my conscious and I didn't look. He just ignored me, just as I did to him. I spent lunch in the nurses office to avoid him but it only made me miss him more.

I know I sound stupid because I'm the one who left but I can't get over him that quickly. I spent every single day for the past five months with him and I never realized how empty and lonely this world really is without him. I feel like a ghost even when I'm surrounded by people and he was the only one whose attention meant the most to me, but like him, it's long gone.

Even though he said all of those horrible things about me, I still love him. Even though I called him disgusting and a horrible person, he really isn't. It's just his actions that were monstrous, not him.

I still have everything he had given me. The ring, necklace, bracelet, sweater, and all his other clothes are tucked away in my closest. Hidden and away from any reach and contact because all those memories lie lifeless in that box. His note is in there too and I'd be lying if I said I don't take it out at times to re-read it. I wanted to put the white Rolling Stones shirt from when he let me cry into his chest that one day in the box too, but I couldn't. I sleep with it every, single, night. I'm pathetic, don't remind me but it still smells like him, even after I've worn it for a week straight, his cologne is still threaded in. I'm doing this to myself. I'm forcing myself to forget him but at the same time forcing myself not to. I'm just not strong enough to let go yet.

I went to the doctors yesterday and they told me that I wasn't pregnant. I took tests before I told my mom but I wanted to make sure. She didn't freak out like I expected, she was understanding and actually knew we were sexually active. She said she found the condom in the trash when she was taking it out but never said anything. I didn't call Harry so I'm sure he knows that I'm not. For some sick reason I wished that I were so I had a reason to call him. It was her idea not to tell Alan, who by the way still doesn't talk to me much, so it's just our little secret. He doesn't completely ignore me or gets an attitude every time we talk, he's just done with me. He talks to me in English and helps me with whatever I need, but that's only because he's doing his job but outside of school, there's really no communication between us. Not like it used to be.