Pretending to be okay around the people you cared about was hard. But what was worse was knowing that no matter how hard you pretend you couldn't escape reality. For the past 10 days of trying to be okay, I didn't know if that word would ever be more than just a shield, so that the people around me wouldn't keep treating me like I was breakable. I didn't want them to tread around me like I was a fragile piece of china, like I could ever fool them but even then I wanted them to believe that I was going to be okay, even when I didn't believe it myself. I thought I was ready for what I knew would come but who was ever ready for the death of someone they love. I wanted to be strong, and I was, because of them. I wanted to be strong so I smiled, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I smiled because it was what my parents would have wanted. I smiled because I knew I had to continue to live my life. I smiled because I knew that I had make an effort to accept things and move on, even when I knew deep down that I couldn't.
I stared at myself in the mirror and the girl looking back at me was no longer recognizable, swollen eyes with dark circles beneath them that I tried so hard to cover up with concealer, eyes that were full of pain and loss. My hair was let down in waves up to my chest but it no longer held the appeal it had before. It was like me, empty and void of emotion. I had to shut everything out or I would cry again and I feared that I didn't have the strength to stop the tears from falling if I started.
"Are you ready?" Bailey asked peeking through the door.
I would never be ready but I nodded standing up and waited as she grabbed her purse. We went down together to her parents and Luke, Bailey's older brother waiting for us and staring into Aunt Mel's eyes was like looking into my own, it mirrored the pain in mine. She looked so much like my mother that sometimes looking at her hurt but it was a small comfort knowing that I wasn't the only one hurting, that someone else loved them and shared my pain and my grief. I lost my parents that day but she also lost her sister.
Being at their funeral felt so surreal, I was there but not entirely. I was in a state of limbo, I didn't know what was real anymore, because my reality felt like a nightmare I needed to wake up from. But that is reality, a never ending cycle of pain and happiness and when you felt blissfully happy it will be taken away from you because I learned that happiness is only the precedent of pain.
It was a week after my birthday and my family and our relatives went to the beach to celebrate, we were having the best time, it was by far one for the books, we had a bonfire by the sea while they sang happy birthday to me again. My father told stories of my days as a toddler and my little adventures that when he told them I could see the pride in his eyes, the ones I have heard of a million times but never got tired of. My cousins would fool around the camp fire and my dad would tell his corny jokes that only my mom would laugh at beside him and afterwards he wrapped his arms around the both of us keeping us close to him. His girls, he would always say. Little did I know that it would be our last day together, our last hug, our last kiss. A kiss goodbye.
It was dusk when my dad was driving us back home, the truck driver was being reckless, maybe he was drunk I didn't know, I remembered headlights, the bright light right before the darkness and when I woke up, they were in the ICU. They gave me medication for the pain and when I woke up again they were gone. I got away with only bruises and they didn't even get away with their life. It was so unfair. Life is unfair.
"Katherine." I refocused my gaze and saw a friend of mine from high school. "My condolences to you. I'm so sorry for your loss."
I heard her words, but that was all it was, words. Words that would not bring back my old life and I didn't want to hear any of it but I had to if only to appease her, to please her and let her have the feeling that she had done her job in sending her sympathy but looking in her eyes, I saw nothing, she wasn't empathic to the pain I was enduring and that was enough for me to end this conversation not like it was even one to begin with.
"Thank you." I forced a smile to my lips and she hugged me.
I walked towards the front of the chapel, this was the final moment before they were going to close the caskets. The last time I got to look at my parents again and it hurt. It hurt so much I couldn't breath, my hand went to my chest to where my heart was and rubbed it if only to ease the pain a bit.
I stood there and stared, just stared willing them to wake up. Wake up.. But it was final, there was nothing more final than death. Mom and Dad looked like they were merely asleep and I could only imagine that they would suddenly open their eyes and tell me this was all a joke, that I just didn't lose the two people who loved me the most.
I felt my cousin's arm on my waist holding me close to her, she was the closest I had to a sister and I had to hold on to her as I watched, my heart was breaking with every breath I took, I remembered my mother's laugh, my father's warm embrace, their words of love for me and closed my eyes as all those memories came rushing back and I cried, I cried for the first time in front of other people since I found out they were gone, I cried for the sweet memories that would never happen again, I cried for the moments I wasted arguing with them and I cried for the future we would no longer have together. I felt my knees go weak and saw my future become bleak. I was lost and I didn't know if I would be able to find my way again.
"They're home now." My cousin whispered. "It's not goodbye." She said but it sure felt like it.
