Millie Hardiman and the Red Parrot Fever

The Dog Food Teenager - Part 9

"Please burn Barry's pants." Millie was sitting in the kitchen with her laptop on her knees, annoying Gwen who was hanging out the washing in the tiny backyard.

"They've still got plenty of life left in them," Gwen told her.

"Only the kind David Attenborough's interested in." Millie changed the subject abruptly. "Can we go to Egypt for a mini break?"

"Do I look like I'm made of money?" Gwen said through a mouthful of pegs. "Are you sure you're quite comfortable there, watching me work?"

"I'm fine thanks, Gwen." Millie ignored the sarcasm.

"Anyway, shouldn't you be looking at Disneyland or something more appropriate for a child?" Gwen added.

"I'm not a child, I'm a young lady," Millie adopted her grown up voice.

"Didn't Chunk go to Disneyland Florida last year?" Gwen was fighting with the sheets to keep them off of the ground.

Millie sipped some blackcurrant juice and watched her. "No, Mavis couldn't afford to take her. Since Richard Attenborough died, she's been a mess. She's drinking a bottle of Pinot a day."

"I know how she feels," Gwen muttered.

"Mavis and Dave went, but Chunk had to stay in the cellar for two weeks," Millie continued with the story.

Gwen played along. "Why couldn't she stay in her own room?"

"You're not allowed to leave kids, erm, young ladies," Millie quickly realised her mistake and Gwen smiled, "alone at home. I had to take her dog food to eat."

"Why didn't you take her normal food?"

Millie patiently explained. "How would it look if a starving teenager left in a cellar, was eating turtle soup and venison, when she was rescued?"

"Where do you get this stuff?" Gwen was mystified. "Who eats turtle soup and venison?"

"I read books that aren't only written by John Grisham or Andy McNab," Millie said pompously.

"Don't diss Andy McNab! His training's stood me in good stead in the queue at Tesco on Friday nights."