Ignorance (BEING REWRITTEN. SEE 'THE REVOLT')

Chapter Twenty One

After climbing down that increasingly wobbly ladder I lay down on the floor and feel its cold surface against my grazed cheek. By using my arm as a sort of pillow I manage to get comfortable at last and I let myself drift into sleep. 

My dreams stand me back in HQ and everything around me is falling and falling and falling and I can’t move because I’m trapped by something and everything around me is falling and I’m being crushed by part of the ceiling and there’s someone lying next to me and they’re bleeding and I cant reach out to hold their hand while they bleed and I can’t stop the bleeding because I’m trapped and then I realise that I’m bleeding and then everything is dark. I thought you couldn’t die in dreams.

When I open my eyes my vision is blurred but I can still just make out my oversized-jacketed friend: Pucky. She’s standing staring at me curiously, her head cocked to one side a little. She’s holding a blanket and I notice that her hand is now wrapped in a bandage – May’s handiwork I assume. 

“What are you doing?” I mumble, I dont think she’d realised that I was awake because she looks embarrassed and taken aback.

“I er-“ she stutters, “er I though you might be cold so I er-“ she motions with the blanket, “I brought you this bl-blanket.” 

“You take it.” I say as I rub my eyes and prop myself up using my other hand.

“You look cold, Luca.” her monosyllabic sentence hints at no emotion, a stark contrast to the Puck on the balcony. She awkwardly sits down next to me and passes the blanket over my legs. It’s grey like everything else we seem to own. I slowly pick up one of the ends of it and throw it over her as well.

“There,” I say as I smooth it out “now neither of us will be cold.” She smiles at that and I smile back and for a second we could be back in HQ. But quickly that smile is gone and she stares at her knees and fiddles with a loose thread on the blanket.

“Luca, about earlier.” she still doesn’t tear her gaze away from her knees as she addresses me.

“It’s okay.” I mean it.

“No, it’s not. I’m sorry if I upset you.” Her apology sounds sincere despite the lack of emotion, I think that’s just a ‘Puck thing’.

“Did May fix up your hand?” I change the topic of conversation because it’s easier.

“Yeah.” she limply raises her arm and stares at the clean white bandage that is wound around it, bright against the rust-covered wall and dust-covered floor. “I know I’m—um—I’m crap at apologies and feelings but I am sorry and I know that you’re hurting too.”

“I want her back Puck, I really really just want her back.” I run my hand through my disheveled hair and lean back against the wall and bite back the tears.

“I’ve got a plan Luca. I’ve got a plan.” It used to always be Artie who came up with the plans, God I wish she was here.

“You always seem to have a plan and here I am, useless. And don’t tell me that I’m not because I couldn't stop them taking her and I barely even tried; you had to be knocked out and physically dragged away. Before we went, I told her that I love her and she said that she loves me and we kissed and I felt like I was in some stupid romance novel, Puck, I really did. It was just so, this is gonna sound stupid, it was so perfect. We were standing in one of the corridors by the store room and we were just together and I felt happy and I never thought that things could be so different this fast.

“You know,” I continue, balling my hand into a fist, “I keep seeing it all happening over and over again. Every time I shut my eyes I’m back in Victoria and I’m just as useless and helpless as I was before and she looked so small Puck, she looked so small. The-“ I stumble over my words even more than I usually do over my feet. “The last thing she said, that she said to me was ‘run, just run.’ She just wanted me to get out and she didn’t care about herself because she'd given me the file but-” I trail off, letting my words trickle away as I forget them.

“‘I’m coming, me and Zed are okay, we’re coming. I’ll see you soon.’” Puck says blankly and I turn to look at her but before I can ask I work it out and she tells me as well “That was the last thing she said to me. It was over the chip. Things went pretty quiet after that, nothing I could make out anyway. And then Tim knocked me out. Maybe if he hadn’t-”

“Don't even go there Puck.” I interrupt her this time. “There was nothing you could’ve done.”

"So if there was nothing that I could've done then why do you keep saying you’re useless? You know I'm a better fighter than you, Luca, if there was nothing I could do then there was nothing that you could do.” She pauses and then a pained look starts to appear on her face and she looks away from me. “Those were my words weren’t they.”

“What were?"

“It was me who called you useless, when we were trying to run away, I called you useless because you weren't moving and we needed to go. I’m really sorry Luca, I didn’t mean it.” I don’t know what to say in reply so together we just sit there in silence and stare at the space in front of us. After a minute or so I feel her hand grip mine and neither of us exchange any words nor eye contact we just sit there, my fingers brushing against the soft bandage and hers brushing against my grazed knuckles. At least we are safe here.

I think it was soon that we fell asleep there because when I wake with no concept of how much time has passed since the last words I uttered to her I find her head rested on my shoulder and her hair covering one of her eyes. She looks peaceful. I sweep the hair out of her eyes and as I do so I feel the bumped scar and in that moment I think we are closer than we have ever been before. I sense her start to stir and I don’t move and instead, I break the silence and whisper a mumbled joke and I feel her body lurch with a forced laugh and then she speaks too:

“Don’t call me ‘Pucky’, Luca.” 

“I think it’s cute.”

“Shut up.” She breathes the words as her eyes open and close, her body keeping her safe.

“Okay.” I breathe back and I think she falls asleep again because she doesn’t speak and neither do I. Everyone around us is asleep as well. Seven is such a quiet number.

“Can I ask you to do something?” I’m starting to get used to her voice being the first I hear as I wake from sleep.

“What?” I’m also starting to get used to the unnatural silence down here.

“You have to promise me something. If I start playing up, losing it, whatever you want to call it, you know what I mean.” She takes a gulp of air into her lungs before she continues. “If that happens then you have to get me to get my act together, for them. I’ve got a plan, Luca, but it needs both of us to be at our best. We have to be at our best.” I squeeze her hand in response and she knows that I understand. Today is the last day I am allowed to be like this.