Neon Black

13: Extent

A/N: For your pleasure ... please enjoy the carefully selected music above while you read. It'll help you get those feels - Heath

I don't know how much time passes while I sit on floor, confused and bleeding. But eventually I pull myself up and get the first aid kit from the cupboard. The intense colours of the setting sun have gone and the murky light in the room says night is almost here.

I turn on the light in the living room. A faint buzz and electric pop makes me jump as one of the down-lights burn out, leaving the far corner by the window in shadow. I sit down on one of the chairs, my conscious mind focused on cleaning the cuts and bandaging my hand – while underneath it all I process what is happening.

There're too many gaps. Empty hazy spaces between what I remember, where ... no, when I thought I was and the words of others.

Hand clean and wrapped in gauze, I sit back in the chair with a cushion on my lap, one leg tucked under the other, while I stare at the ceiling and think, my mind at last waking – my thoughts finally clear.

What's the last thing I remember before waking up this morning? No, that's not quite right. It wasn't the morning, it was more like midday or early afternoon. And I didn't wake up, I was just there on my bed. And then before that ... nothing.

The next thing I remember is Lenore picking me up from the station and then falling asleep on my bed to the sounds of the storm. But ... that's not quite right either. I went into my room, got onto the bed and then ... did I see something?

Instead of memory there's an empty pocket of nothing, or like the memory I'm trying access has been washed smooth, like a glass in a river made glossy and round by the rushing water. And each time I try to probe it with my mind, I just slide away.

Did something happen to me again? 

Like when I woke up in that other train station, the one that was empty of everything but me. It felt like I'd been there for days, yet when I walked through those doors I was surrounded by people, and only hours had passed. Hours where I'd spoken to people, where'd I'd filled in forms and charged my phone and I couldn't remember a thing. Unless this is all me, and maybe there's something wrong with my brain – like I have epilepsy or I'm having seizures?

All these thoughts and unanswered questions put my nerves on edge. I feel unsettled, like I've lost control of my life, like maybe I'm not who I think I am. And I don't know which is worse, that the problem is physical and there's something wrong with my brain or that maybe it's all real. And I was somewhere else. And here in this world that I know, that I've lived in my whole life – another me was in my place. Talking to people, making decisions and living my life. Or maybe this is her life, and I'm the intruder.

I close my eyes and clear my mind, projecting a feeling out to whatever is there. A feeling that says, God, or Jesus or the Universe, I don't care who or what but someone tell me what is happening, show me what to do and how to make sense of this.

I wait, looking at the colours behind my eyes from the lights up above. Silver and gold dots that burn a blurry image into my mind. But there's no reply. No rush of restored memories, no feeling of peace or love surrounding me in a ball of light. 

So one thing I know for sure now, whatever is going on I'll have to figure this out myself.

Pillow off my lap I stand up and with confidence and purpose walk back into my bedroom, flicking on the light and bracing myself for anything strange. But whatever I felt or feared is gone, and the room looks normal, feels normal. My clothes and things exactly where I've left them. I walk over to the bed, grab my phone and go sit at my desk, turning on my computer.

On my phone there's a few unopened Snaps and some emails, but nothing to indicate I've been gone for a long time. But as I see the date it feels like I'm sinking into the floor through my stomach. I open the calendar to double check what it says. Then cross check the date on my computer. Finally, I google "current date and time" to make sure, but everything I read matches up. 

One month and two weeks. 

I can't remember exactly one month and two weeks from when I was visiting the hospital and was grabbed by that man on the train.

I rush and open up my messages. I see conversations I've replied to, texts that are sent from me that look identical to anything I'd say. I switch to my photos and there I am. Countless selfies and hanging out in the park, drinking pictures with friends, even food from cafés and restaurants. And even on Instagram, posts with me with my words – even in my history a long list of things I've liked. But across all of it not one thing that I remember.

Then I remember that today I should have had an exam – one I hadn't even studied for yet. I log onto my uni account. As I click through the pages that will show my results and I wait for it to load I fight back the urge to smash my laptop and throw it through the window in frustration. But instead of any fails everything is passed. My first semester of college passed and I can't remember a thing.

I close the laptop and push it towards that back of the desk, bringing my phone out again, opening up the photos. And there, the very last one is me. Apparently from last night, in the bathroom of some club. Posing in a dress I don't recognise, pouting into the mirror as I hold my phone. The evidence is everywhere. It all says I've been here, I've been doing things. 

But when I look at that girl with my body and my smile and my face – I know deep inside. 

That isn't me.

***

Hello dear readers :)

So as you can tell things have normalised a little and a bit of a recap to show what's happened so far and where Ever is at. But I gotta say, I'm kinda proud of her. She's been through a lot and coping pretty well, considering. Thankfully she's got a bit of fight in her - because she's going to need it!

As always, if you're into it throw a brother a vote or a comment. Or even the smiley poo emoji. I love that guy.

Heath :)