Neon Black

6: First sight.

The ground is hard. And cold. And soothing against my face. With my eyes closed, my body limp, encased in this darkness I could sleep. For days, or hours, or seconds upon seconds all sown together, one after another stretching into infinity.

If I stay here, still and unmoving. Silent and unseen. Life would pass by, without even a stolen glance. Without even a stolen second to whisper my name.

I would be the one to see. I would be the silent observer. Watching life go about its errands and arguments and fighting and dreaming and loving and dying.

I would watch.

I would watch as it came closer. I would watch as legs and feet made of the thoughts and feelings of all who came before of everyone who has ever existed approached, poised above. And I would remain silent, and swallow my pain and my soul as they pushed me deep into the earth with the force of each step of each foot from each leg.

I would not be angry, I would not be sorry. I would not be anything.

Not ever again.

Not ever anymore.

Electric life shoots up my spine and into my brain as a muscle in my back knots and spasms. I cry out and hear my voice, and pain, echoing out into emptiness.

As awareness of my body and its aches and bruises floods back into my mind, I feel the rough floor against my face as I shift my arm and shoulder. Thoughts drifting about, holding together then dancing away again. My mind a dense fog of cigarettes and babies and trains and flashing fluorescent lights. As I feel a throb of pain on my head I reach toward it and feel a cluster of sharp pin pricks on my ribs as my arm stretches up. I find a claggy wetness on my forehead and between my fingers, but when I open my eyes to look I can't see anything. No hand, no floor, only darkness.

I push myself up, screwing my face at the pain and lean back against something cold that feels like metal. Blinking my eyes to try to see. The only sounds my own rasping breath. I tilt my head back and wave my arm in front and finally notice a faint outline moving in the dark. My face feels damp and when I bring my hand closer the smell of blood reaches my senses.

Its sharp metallic scent brings back memories of the train and the man that grabbed me. My heart gives a weak punch to my nervous system when I think of him, but I'm too exhausted and numb to rouse much further. It's dark, but I'm alive.

Focus Ever. Think.

I was on the train and I was scared. Then I was at the station and the doors were opening. Then I remember all the light disappearing and suddenly nothing. I move my hands around on the floor and I can feel concrete then some raised bumps, like circles heading off in a line. Three lines, an inch across in total, more concrete and now a small gap between the floor and whatever I'm leaning on. I pat my hand up whatever it is and hear a hollow sound beyond. My mind pieces it all together and I think that maybe I'm still in the train station, with the carriage behind me. I learn back hard on the metal and push myself up to standing. My jeans feel cold and damp and I smell urine. My mouth feels dry and my lips a little cracked as I run my tongue over them.

How long have I been here? I think. As my eyes start to adjust to the darkness. If I shift my head slightly I can make out the faint outline of some columns further ahead of me. Like pillars holding up the world, and me underground unseen and alone flapping about like a fish on the land. Or is it clawing my way out of the stomach of a beast? Or a cell in its blood, ricocheting down its veins - but have I left the heart or am I on my way back?

Stop, Ever. Focus.

I go to call out hello. But hold back as I'm about to speak. Is there someone here with me? No, I don't think so. Something about this place, it doesn't feel dangerous, I don't feel like I'm being watched. It just feels empty. I've never felt anything like it before. Just like I knew that man was lying about his legs. I also know now that I'm alone. Alone in a way I'd only ever imagined. If the world were ever to be cold and dark and dead this would be it. And I notice, apart from me, I can't smell anything else. No dust, no rubbish, no damp musty mould. The air just smells clean. Not even the chemical clean of the hospital. Just like nothing at all. I pat further along what I am now even more certain is a train, each sound like an intrusion in this place.

As I move, the light in the distance shifts slightly and memory tugs at my awareness. I use the stop I was getting off at all the time, and if this were the same one right in that same space wouldn't be columns but an exit and just beyond that the escalators to go up and out. With each movement I become more certain this is the same place. I'm thirsty and need help and whatever else might happen I know I need to get out of here, that I am certain of.

I start to slowly shuffle forward toward the light, to where the exit would be, my arms stretch in front and slightly stooped over. After I take a few steps my foot comes up against something, not hard like the floor but softer. I push against and here it slide forward, like a sack or a bag on the ground. I reach down slowly and feel it. Yes, it's material. It's a bag. And as I feel around it and find the buckle and clip I realise it must be my bag. Yes, that must be my books, and there my deodorant. I reach inside with my hand and become certain it's mine. I put it over my shoulder, wincing at the pain. Then start moving forward again. With each step I get closer to the light and now I can make out a bit of the wall in front. With my hands and now using the wall as I guide I feel the a frame that would house a promotion or a timetable, and I can see in front now the outline of the escalator. I want to hurry ahead but it's still dark so I can slowly. I'm at the end of the wall and now only a few steps to the escalator.

As I reach it I put my hand out and touch the rail. Yelling in shock as it whirs into life. I pull my hand back in fright and fall, suddenly unbalanced. And after a few clicks it stops and I can hear the sound of the motor turning off.

I reach out slowly with my hand, again it starts back up and I feel the rubbery rail moving under my fingers. As I pull back, all is still again. Is someone messing with me? I think. And hesitate, unsure of what to do. But I don't care. Thirsty, bleeding and wearing my own piss I just want to get out of here. So I gather myself and step forward onto the escalator hands on either side as it squeaks and thumps, carrying me forward and up. With each crank and jolt up toward freedom and the light. 

Details begin to jump out at me, advertisements on the side of the wall for energy drinks and teeth whitener. The light is diffused, like it is natural and not from a bulb. I realise it must be daylight outside. And by the time I make it to the top and step off, the escalator going quiet once more, I can see.

I'm in Central and there is light shining in through the tinted windows. But it is completely deserted. All the kiosks and stores are shut, no rubbish anywhere in sight. As I scan the area looking for someone I see the doors and a way out. They're shut, but on the other side is the rest of the world. I focus in on that and start limping at pace toward them. As I get close I hope that they'll open, but nothing happens. They're shut and sealed. I bang my fists against them. And now I am so close to freedom I start shouting out for help. But there is no one there. On the other side of the tinted glass is an empty street. The light tells me it must be close to midday. But there are no cars, no people, not anything.

In frustration I search for something to smash them with, but there's nothing. And just as I'm on the edge of crying I see a green button to the side that says, Press to Exit. And I immediately hit my hand against it, standing back. There's a half second where nothing happens, then I hear the sound of a seal opening and the doors start to part. Fresh warm air comes rushing in to meet me. I adjust my back and smile with relief as I step out into the daylight.

But the second I'm through I'm hit with the cold and the wet and sounds of rain and thunder and smells of life. And now it's night again and cars are beeping and there are people everyone, some touching me so close. And I'm shaking or shivering and the memory of everything that has happened comes sharply into my mind. I'm scared, I feel terrified and I scream.

"Ever it's okay. You're okay."

A male voice says as I struggle amongst the people. Trying to make sense of what is happening. But his grip isn't hurting me, it is strong and it is comforting. I look at his face and see one of the guards from the platform.

"Come on miss. Deep breaths now, with me. You're safe."

And when he says that something within me breaks. All the fear and terror and shame come rushing in. I'm not safe. I was, when I was alone. But now I'm back here. Because I was somewhere else. For all that time I was somewhere else and I was thirsty and alone. And I know I'm not safe. With all these people and all this chaos. And no matter what anyone says to me I know. I'll never be safe again.