The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 5: Part 1: It's Like That

Previously on The Final Countdown...

The space-faring yurt, after its maiden voyage, still sits in the clutches of T'Iguidou's nefarious empire. She gathers dust in the shuttle bay of the Empress's gigantic flagship.

Java the (as of right now) robot cat is up to her usual cat tricks. Since no one knows what cats are thinking, that could be any damn thing in the universe. 

Join us now as we catch up with our captain, Fancypants Kyle and his first mate, Venti Chai, on their noble quest to save their dear friend and crewmate, Ronnie.

She's gonna be pissed....

"Shit!" Fancypants Kyle skidded to a halt, just before he crashed into yet another wall. "Another damn dead end!"

Venti lurched up behind him and rested her hands on her knees. "Why do they even have these hallways all over the place? The ship could be half the size if they didn't have all these stupid corridors leading to eff-all nowhere!"

Fancypants Kyle snorted. "That sounded like something Ronnie would say."

Venti took a deep breath, wiped the sweat off her brow, and jogged back down the corridor. "Come on! We've got to find her!"

"You know she's going to be pissed if and when we do find her, right?" The captain hustled to catch up to his first mate. "She doesn't seem like the type that enjoys long falls down bottomless shafts."

Venti's left eye twitched. "Yeah, too bad we couldn't bring along a foul-mouthed, ill-tempered, endlessly hungry woman that DID love a good long tumble down a bottomless shaft."

"Right?"

An impossibly loud commotion just up ahead stopped them in their tracks. The sound was muffled, but had the unmistakeable tone of curse words, whining, and someone 'just saying.'

Venti and Fancypants Kyle stared into each other's eyes and spoke with one voice.

"Ronnie."

"This way!" Venti raced ahead. "She's this way!"

Two lefts, a right, one wheelchair ramp, and an elevator ride later they finally got to where they didn't even know they'd been wanting to go. A massive door stood between them and the crescendoing commotion. Whatever was going on beyond that door had most likely claimed some lives by now.

Three of T'Iguidou's soldiers stood guard at the foot of the door. All three were heavily armed, and not one looked like they were in any kind of mood to let a couple of pink meatsacks through the door.

"Let me do the talking." Venti put on her best smile and strode forward with purpose. She scampered back seconds later with the left side of her hair missing.

"Didn't you just get it coloured?" Fancypants Kyle asked.

"NOW you notice?" Venti punched his shoulder. "What are we going to do?"

The captain sucked down a deep breath and raised his hands in the air. "Hey, guys!"

The guards said nothing.

"I'm sure you've heard what's going on in there, yeah?"

Still nothing, but there was a subtle amount of shuffling and looks askance.

"I think we know how to fix it."

The centre guard lowered his gun. "Yeah?"

Venti stepped forward. "Yeah."

"You want to go in there?" The centre guard pointed a thumb at the door just as the entire structure was rocked on its hinges by something inside. "Voluntarily?"

The captain shook his head. "Yes."

The guards had a quick huddle, each of them sneaking a peek at the humans that had so far been nothing but a pain in the ass. One day, someone was going to pluck up the courage to stop T'Iguidou from tractor-beaming every ship they came across. Nine times out of ten it was a disaster.

"Okay. But there's only one way past this door." The guard propped his gun up on his shoulder and tilted his head just ever so slightly to one side. 

Venti was one more demand away from going full cashier on the entire ship. "Name it!" 

The guards lowered their guns and stripped off their armour. Underneath gleamed fluorescent pink dance leotards. 

"Dance off, bro!" The main guard slid over to the console by the door and pressed a few buttons. The opening beats of Run-DMC's 'It's Like That' boomed out through the corridor.

"What the actual fuck is going on?" Venti hissed. "And I thought Earth was weird."

"Just go with it, Venti!" Captain Fancypants Kyle's ship had finally come in. "Break out the Shopping Cart!"

The guards performed a complicated dance routine, complete with crossovers, shuffles off to Buffalo, and at least one good falap-ball-change. 

But even on their best day, their moves paled in comparison to the 80s madness that Fancypants and Venti rained down on their pink-clad heads.

Venti did the best Shopping Cart this side of Alpha Centauri.

The captain followed up with a Sprinkler so sick he vomited.

And then, as the song reached its final chorus, they broke out the Thriller dance. By the time they were done, all three guards were sobbing uncontrollably.

"We'd been told your world was a cultureless husk!" The centre guard cried the hardest, the tears streaming freely down his face. "Let them in, for God's sake, let them in!"

One of the other guards hurried to the console and punched a big red button. A horrific screech of gears echoed down the corridor, but finally, the door began to rise.

"Thanks guys," Venti said. "You just can't beat the 80s."

She swaggered into the chamber, a zest in her stride thanks to the victorious dance-off. The captain was hot on her heels, but froze where he stood the second they saw what had been making all the noise.

"Sweet Jesus!" Venti shrieked. "Get us out of here!"

Too late. The door had already slid shut behind them.

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