Confused Life

After Diagnosis

After getting my diagnosis, I never really payed attention to anything, although I did start seeing some patterns in my behaviour. Every couple of months, I would want to join a profession I knew deep down I was unable to do. I wanted to prove to people I could do it, but I was setting myself up for failure as my physical disabilities would make it impossible anyway.

The job I wanted to do....firefighter. Even if I didn't have the physical problems I have, I wouldn't be able to do the job as you need to be mentally stable. It didn't stop me trying though. I applied and failed on my eyesight, so I never even got to do the physical or the written exams. I did try to improve my fitness, but, being in a wheelchair made that hard. I could overcome the agoraphobia and claustrophobia if I really tried, couldn't I? Who knows.

When I had the letter telling me I couldn't be a firefighter I resigned myself to that fact and the fact that in all honesty I would probably never get a job anyway as I need 24hr supervision to keep myself safe. My all too familiar way of life returned and I fell back into it with ease. 

I would stay in bed all day, needing encouragement to get washed, dressed, eat. I wouldn't go out for fear that people were looking at me and either judging me or going to hurt me. I tried to attend Welsh classes once a week in the evening, but, that stopped after the fourth class, as my fears won the battle again. My mood kept going changing from up to down. More often than not I was down. During these times I would self harm. I wasn't looking for attention as I never did it where people could see, and I would dress the wounds myself. I didn't do it to die either, I just wanted to get rid of the pain inside of me, that was more painful than the physical pain I was inflicting upon myself.