Life Is A Nightmare

Chapter Thirteen: Simon

(Jayden)

I used to take small comfort in drawing for years. I used to enjoy doing something to express myself in my free time. It's never mattered what I would draw as long as I could draw. I could get the image stuck in my head onto a blank sheet of paper.

Whatever it is; good or bad I've always had my passion of drawing to turn to even as a child but now as years gone by and visits with Gavin I've lost that. I'm held back by myself out of fear and sadness creeping its way back up. I'm crumbling into nothing as I try to figure out how I got here. How did I go from this person who accepted what I did and where I was to someone falling apart again? Why am I questioning the obvious that's right in front of me? Why are my memories scattered and hard to piece back together?

I tried to draw from memory the night I was in the house again but I can't. I can't even see the person I thought was there clear as day as I used to or it's me who doesn't want to start going down that path. The thought of it is too much to handle and I remain with a blank sheet of paper. Nothing on the paper except words, 'It's my fault' over and over.

I told Jordan, I told myself, Gavin's visit wasn't going to get to me. I would be fine when it wasn't a big deal. All Gavin wanted was the truth and I told him. I told him what I've told myself for years but the second visit I wasn't prepared for. I wasn't expecting him to bring up the monster I was told didn't exist.

Every part of me is trying to reason and remind myself he can't know. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only knows what our dad told him. He only knows what he's heard and I'm sure my grandma had plenty to say about me. She always had so much to say. So many hateful words through the years she spoke under her breath or in her thoughts I always assumed by the look in her eyes. She never trusted me, never thought I would become anything but a replica of my father.

"So, Jayden is there anything you want to talk about today?" Dr. Chamberlain's replacement says breaking the silence.

As long as I have been here he was the only person I talked to but that's about to change. He decided to retire and the person who will take after him is a lot younger than him. "I'm fine." I look over and she smiles.

"Let me guess you think I'm too young to work here?" She brings up her age assuming that's what everyone questions at first but for me, I'm more stressed at the idea of having to talk about everything all over again.

"I didn't say that," I answer.

"I'm highly qualified to work here just as Dr. Chamberlain was. I graduated early from school." She goes on, her brown eyes staring into mine which forces me to look away. "I understand this might be a big change but Dr. Chamberlain couldn't work here forever. Now I've heard a lot about you from him. He's reviewed me on the past several sessions you have had along with reading his notes. He mentioned two visits from your brother last month and how it's left you unsettled. What is it you two talked about during your last visit?"

"Nothing really," I reply.

"Nothing?" She questions raising an eyebrow. "Well, it didn't appear that way during the visit."

"We talked about him moving on in his life with our dad."

"That's right he's your half-brother." She says and for a split-second, as I look back up, she reminds me of Vivian.

I quickly look away from her and as I do my eyes stop on a book. Immediately thoughts of Vivian leave my mind as the book resting on the shelf behind her has a familiar first name. Nothing else matters to me right now as I try to remember why the name is familiar.

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Thirty Years Earlier...

Jayden sits on the bed unable to sleep. He's too scared with the sound of the thunderstorm and lightening lighting up the attic. Instead, he sits up drawing invisible pictures on the bed of the fair he went to yesterday.