Life Is A Nightmare

Chapter One: Bittersweet Graduation

(Gavin)

Through the years I watched my dad struggle with his depression. Standing by, wanting to help him from falling even more but I never can. I can't reach out and grab his hand to save him as I fall too. Wondering when I can wake up and find out there is something on the other side. There is something more to life than this place of sinking my dad has stayed in for too long.

Despite his pain I feel like I'm suffering more than my dad in the end. Hurting as I wait patiently for him to see I want him in my life. I need him in the present and not in the past trying to change what aready happened.

Here I am almost eighteen in less than a week and I'm still seeking my dad's attention. Wanting his approval so bad it's led to my jealousy towards my older brother. A deep seeded anger held against Jayden when I've never even met him. I just know about what he's done from my grandparents, my father and the letters he sent my dad through the years. I've been forced to watch my dad slip further away because of the relationship he wants to keep with him and forget about me. He's unable to tear himself away from him which leaves me in the dust. Invisible and unnoticed hoping one day things will change.

I was five entering kindergarten when I first realized I wasn't as important in my dad's eyes. Looking back it should have been obvious at the easiest memory I have but I guess I held on. Wanted to believe he was there for me, loved me just as much as my father despite the fact he moved out when I was almost three. I was too young then to piece my dad's short visits during the week to make it as memorable to me before to form a memory like I have of that day.

I remember standing outside the elementary school near the entrance, my classroom feet away, as I looked out to the cars. Time was going by and I kept seeing happy families walk by with kids my age. They looked like the perfect family, happy and smiling unlike me. I was waiting with my father as minutes continued to pass and my dad wasn't anywhere. I couldn't find him and I began to hold onto my father's hand tighter and tighter.

I became anxious at five, wondering where he was. He was supposed to meet us at my new school. He was supposed to send me off as a family to my first day. He said he would two days earlier when I spent a few hours with him in his cramped apartment. He promised and I believed him with a smile hanging onto his every word. I was looking forward to seeing him again so soon when usually I only seen him twice during the week days and every other weekend.

I was excited but my father tried to prepare me, he told me not to put too much trust in my dad's words. I didn't understand what he meant until my dad broke a promise. His words meant nothing in the end and only hurt me.

He never showed up as we waited and he didn't see me again until later in the week with an excuse he attempted to give my father about being busy. He forgot and he was sorry but the apology he gave to me didn't take back his absence. It doesn't change the fact he picked Jayden over me.

For years my dad's been trying to dig into Jayden's case. Trying to open up what the police and district attorney called an open and shut case. Nothing points to another person; no new evidence or witnesses have presented themselves. What is there is my dad's strong feelings his eldest son is innocent and someone else killed Vivian.

I don't know much about Vivian compared to what my dad tells me about Jayden. I tried to ask my dad about her once and he closed up. He couldn't speak as tears welled up in his eyes. He wasn't ready to discuss her and he still isn't today. Only in pictures do I know what she looks like and who she was.

There are pictures of Jayden and Vivian everywhere at my dad's place. More picures of them than me and part of me hates how close he keeps them while he pushes me away. But why should it bother me when it's been this way ever since I can remember?

My dad is stuck in the past, in the day she died and Jayden was sent away for the rest of his life.Or maybe he never left the house he spent almost six years in long before I was born and thought of.

Grandma said he was brainwashed for years and that explains why he's not okay. He tried to bury the past and start a new life with Jayden and Vivian. Tried to break free from what happened and for a while he was okay maybe. He was happy in pictures taken and wanted to have me but then life was turned upside down and he was dragged back to the place he thought he fled.

As I search the crowd for his face, his presence I don't see him. He's not here and I should have prepared myself for the disappointment again. "He will be here." Kalen whispers as he sits next to me in alphabetical order as names began to be called at our high school graduation.

I know what he's doing, attempting to comfort me like he has for the passed three years as a friend then my boyfriend. Trying to ease me into the disappointment he knows I'm going to have to face again.

------

"I said I was sorry Gavin." he apologizes again as we stand in the parking lot.

"Yeah, I heard you the first time." I avoid looking up, using all the will power I have to hold back the tears I don't want to cry in front of him.

I should be happy he's here, he did show up even if he was late but it still doesn't feel like enough. I wanted more, expected too much and that's what is tearing me apart. Breaking me down today because of everything he's missed. Every moment, and day he should have been here for me and not Jayden.

"You were late." my father critizes him. He's happy to point out my dad's mistakes and I do it all the time too but the difference is I don't say them out loud. I don't do it in public but inside my head. "What's your excuse this time?"

"I had trouble finding a parking." my dad explains but at this point I don't care what he has to say.

"Oh I'm sure that's what it was Jonhathan." he retorts knowing well enough it's going to start an agrument I don't want them to have. Not here, not now in public around other people.

"Why do you always want-"

"Can you stop please?! Just shut up for once and get along?!" I yell. I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of them arguing every single time we are together on the rare occassion we are. "Is it asking too much to have one day we can be a happy family?"

-------

I was asking too much and I should have known I was. I can't get a wish like I was wanting. I couldn't even get it when I was little and wished they would get back together.

I used to think we could be a happy family one day but then I learned about my dad's relationship with Jayden's father whose locked behind bars himself. And all the hope I held onto slipped from my fingers.

I stare up at the ceiling as I lay in Kalen's room. In his arms and all I can do is think about what's wrong in my life. "I should get back home." I say untangling myself from his arm, needing a reason to leave. Wanting to be alone to avoid becoming a burden to him with my problems.

"Why I thought you were spending the night?" he asks.

"I know but I forgot I had something to do." I lie with my back turned ready to leave out the door.

"This is about your dad isn't it?" he reads the truth through my lies. "You want to be alone and you don't have to be Gavin. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere. You can talk to me about anything."

I turn around, scared of how he will react to what I'm about to tell him, "Remember how I told you about visiting my brother?"

"You aren't actually thinking about meeting him are you?" I should have known he wouldn't agree with my idea. He wants me to be happy not throw myself into the fire and hope I don't burn.

"Why not?" Why shouldn't I visit the person whose more important than me in my dad's eyes?

"I can give you a hundred reasons Gavin." he says. "Why would you want to willingly visit someone you never met who killed someone? What sane person would want to?"

"Me." I retort fully aware I might regret it.  I might not get the answers I want for my dad to realize there is no saving Jayden. But that's the chance I'm willing to take.