Power to His Majesty (A Hilariously BAD Fantasy Story)

2. Started From the Top, Now Here

(This story is written like a mildly edgy, badly written Reddit post of a good idea someone had while on their third bong. Not for the faint of heart or serious of temperament.)  

Perry awoke in a shabby bed with a nun looking over him. She looked extremely relieved that he had woken up. George, the royal something-Perry-didn't-remember, was there too, sitting by a table and calmly drinking fruit punch.

"What happened!? Where's Cock M'kier!?" Perry asked angrily. George shook his head and the nun remained silent.

After a moment of silence, George spoke up. "The situation's grim, man. After your explosive defeat, Jok M'kier, assassinated the king and now calls himself the super lord king of Honouria. Aoife has... disappeared and the kingdom is in disarray. His armies have oppressed the people by vandalizing their homes, kidnapping their crops, and burning their children... or something like that."

Perry gasped. The situation was grim indeed! Crops were too valuable to be kidnapped! He knew he couldn't just waltz into the castle and challenge M'kier -- the man was tougher than he looked. He'd need allies, forces, and the resources to fight a war.

"Thomas Lane is M'kier's top and most brutal lieutenant and torturer," George said, spouting off exposition like the plot device he was. "Your old friend Tethys is a high-ranking member of the resistance... so far they've been fighting a losing war, mostly trying to find Aoife and waking your ass."

"Where do I start?" Perry asked, fist bumping the wall and shattering it into a billion pieces.

George leaned in really close and whispered. "Kill the nun. She's a spy."

"What!?" Perry screamed.

This was incomprehensible!!!

His vision turned red. His veins bulged out as if they were going to jump out of his skin. He snarled and started to foam at the mouth. With a mighty roar, he tackled the woman to the ground, choosing not to embrace the dark power of sexism. She struggled to break away but Perry's full nelson was unbreakable. He decided to throw her out the window.

"Wait! Perry! She's actually with us! I just wanted to test you to see if you were the real Perry!"

"Bitch who else would I be?" he snapped. He then sighed and quickly released the nun. "Sorry about that, ma'am."

He calmly sauntered over to George and sat down in the seat. As soon as his rump hit the chair, one of the chair legs gave way, causing him to go flying into the ground like a rocket.

Everything went black.