OUT OF MIND / MYG.

THIRTY TWO

i think deep down inside,

some deeper than others,

everyone is depressed.

there's always a tone of sadness everywhere.

nothing makes you smile.

nothing makes you want to get up.

certain people who have a grip on reality are able to push those feelings down with promises of "just get through today" and it pushes them forward.

i am not one of those people.

when i'm depressed.

i'm depressed.

and it hurts.

really bad.

because there's nothing i can do.

i've learned that my life was meant to be difficult to live.

i've realized things are always going to be hard for me.

i'm going to suffer until i die.

in my diluted mind, it's because i'm being punished for nari's crime.

afterall, she started the fire.

the fire that hurt somebody.

i'll never forgive myself for not being able to stop her.

but she was always bigger.

stronger.

more in control.

i was the submissive.

i listened to her.

i obeyed her.

but there's this little part of me that feels guilty.

and there's nothing i can do to make that go away.

i can't push it away.

it swallows me up.

and i'm drowning.

and everything hurts.

it's those moments that nari shows up.

she tells me it would hurt less if i died.

i have no choice but to believe her.

and then i spend weeks in watch.

crying.

hating.

yes, hating.

pitying.

it's a vicious cycle.

an endless wheel of desolation and pain.

and i don't know how to make it stop.