His Promise Land

Journal [5]

An hour later I got out of the bathroom stall, I didn't meet anyone's eyes as I walked outside and walked home. It was quite far, but I needed the distance.
Who the hell care I skipped school. My parents will understand. They didn't care. The one person I wanted to care left me. Ha, felt like jumping from a cliff, like what Bella did when Edward left her. I used to accuse her of being so weak and let a guy to be the centre of her world, why would you love so deeply? So strongly? Just why? Don't you love yourself and keep some of it to yourself?
But now,...I got a taste of it, I knew how it felt like.
And it hurts, it really... Really hurts.
I took a deep breath and raised my head.
I kept walking.
When I arrived, the house was empty, too bad. I really need someone right now. Wish my mother was home, at least I could have a shoulder to cry on and bawled like a baby, I can say the reason was Jace leaving.
I lay on my bed, who annoyingly smelled like Jace so I moved from it grudgingly and went outside before I could cry again. I sat on the edge of the pool and swing my legs inside it. I laid down and stared at the sun.
I remembered my conversation with Jace in the backyard yesterday in a sunny day like this, but it felt like it was eons ago when in reality it was only two days ago.
Things were different now. Very different.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Wishing I was back in time and laughing freely like that night in the backyard.
"Ash? Is that you? What are you doing here? Why aren't you in school?" My mother called, cutting me off from my daydream and self pity.
I stood up to greet her, "Hey mom."
She gasped when she saw me, throwing all of her shopping bags on the wooden floor, "Ashley! What's wrong? Have you been crying?" She started, walking briskly to me. I hugged myself.
"Come here, sweetheart." She said, opening her arms. She wrapped her hands around me.
"What's wrong, Ash? Who hurt you? I will kick their butt and hang their heads in the living room." She grumbled threateningly, trying to cheer me up, but it wasn't working, nothing will work. And I didn't want Jace's head on my living room wall, no matter how upset I was.
I snorted between my hiccups. "No one. I was just being stupid and got myself sad. Thinking about—" My breath caught and the water works started again, "—Jace. He... He'll be leaving soon—"
The tears were real, but the reason was half truth. I laid limp in her arms, feeling like I was seven again, when everything bad will go away as long as I hold her hand.
Jace never held his mother's hands. He never had a chance to hug her.
My tears came harder. I cried for him, I cried for my feelings that can only be left to die, I cried for the unfairness of the world, taking his mother so soon, I cried for the fact that he can only hug my mom, I cried in fear for he might not hug my mom anymore when realized how he rejected me, that he doesn't deserve her hugs anymore.
She patted my head, it brings back so many memories of me crying, the only difference, usually when this happens, as I laid limp in my mother's arms, patting my head, Jace will be on the other side, holding my hand like it was the most fragile thing in the world.
"Oh, sweetheart. I—," She took a deep breath, "Don't know what to do to make it better."
"It's okay, mom." I just needed her comfort and that was what she gave me, even though she was the devil incarnation in scolding me and everything I do, she was my mother and in moments like this I was thankful I have her by my side.
"It will get better soon, honey. Don't worry. Everything's going to be alright. Time heals." Was what my mom told me and it was what I needed to hear.
Time heals. Be it heartache, yearning or longing for something you can't have, one day, you're gonna wake up and realize that you're okay.
But today, was not that day.
Something in me told me that, my heartache may will be less painful with time but the love I have for him—
I will never forget about him, everything's not going to be alright. Jace left me back then, like he was going to leave me soon. Now I know why he could left us so easily.
I sighed. For now, I'm content crying my heart out like a baby in my mother's arms.

—
Days went by like a blur of faces and colors, fake smiles and polite conversations, avoiding Jace like he was the plague. I haven't spoken to Jace for two days now, since that day. But I could barely avoid him, he was sleeping in my house after all. I couldn't let my mom know that Jace broke my heart, she would be upset and it would be unfair to Jace. That was the latest thing I want him to feel. My mom was his mom too. I couldn't be that selfish.
He didn't even try to talk to me except for asking for the remote, to set table and couch. He didn't reach out to me and it hurts.
It hurts. It hurts so much. Like four inches nails had been hammered deeply into my heart. Each hit of Jace's actions hammered it deeper and deeper. I was hoping he would talk to me and make everything alright.
But he didn't.
Jace ignored me like I ignored him. This never happened before. No matter how annoying or selfish I was, he would always reach out to me, cared for me and be my shoulder to lean on. I would pout and he would come running. The only reason I could come up with was because he didn't love me like I loved him.
It was so obvious now.
Before I knew it, we were standing in the airport, crowding Jace as he held his duffle bag. Smiling casually like leaving me didn't mean anything to him, like I was just a dirt in his shoe that he could finally get rid off.
He still looked good as ever, blonde hair wind swept, his high cheekbones that I knew so well... His smile... His blue eyes.
I committed everything into memory, it was the last time I could look at him like this, when he will come later, he would look different. He wouldn't be my Jace anymore.
Like he wasn't mine now.
My family chattered around him, they laughed, they joked and tell army stories together. I wanted to occupy myself with the airport shop and trinkets but it may look too obvious then, that we were fighting, so far I can get them off my back because I played the Jace-is-going-away-soon-and-I-don't-know-how-to-cope and they let me be in my sorrow and awkwardness.
I stayed at the edge of the circle, hovering uncertainly.
There were a lot of families, some of them was parting ways with their son as well, they were going into the army too, I realized. How can they leave their loved ones? I didn't know what they were thinking, I was so out of my depth.
I looked at the clock, fifteen minutes before Jace would be called inside the airport waiting room. And I still haven't spoken to him. Like I could anyway and with a heavy heart, I realized I doubt Jace will want to talk to me.
I looked away as he joked around and smiled. Heart eyes following his every movement like a fool. Every fibre of my being ached to go there to talk to him, to touch him, have those beautiful blue eyes of him look at me, even just once.
For the last time.
But that wasn't going to happen, I would pretend to be busy and excuse myself to the bathroom at the last minute so I won't come face to face with Jace. Amazing plan I know. Sometimes I am truly astounded by my own cowardice.
My plan failed though because of my uncle. "Ashley! What are you doing there? Come say goodbye to Jace!" He yelled from inside the circle of Jace's fans —my family—.
I pretended like I didn't hear him, but at the third shout I turned, annoyed. "What." I snapped to him, finding my traitor legs walking closer.
My uncle blinked at me, confused. "Time to say goodbye, Ash. What's wrong with you?"He stared at me like I've just grown two heads.
I rolled my eyes, and swallowed. I stopped in front of him, just an arm length away. Jace, who was gripping his duffel bag like his life depended on it, his knuckles white. I glanced at him to find, for the first time, an unreadable expression on his face. I looked away and swallowed the lump in my throat.
I was giving up on him after all. I... Didn't want to care in that way, I wanted to care for him just like a regular best friend would, I have to learn not to react to these feelings, I didn't want to act on them anymore and if I wanted to succeed, I have to avoid looking at his face, his beautiful blue eyes that could drown and make me fall to my knees easily, then my efforts would be futile.
Though I wanted to see that face so badly.
"Goodbye, Ashley." He whispered softly.
He didn't even call me Ash anymore and my heart clenched painfully. For a second I couldn't find my breath and I found myself looking up despite myself.
I saw myself reflected on those eyes, I saw something that I didn't need or wanted to see, my own feelings were reflected inside those beautiful eyes.
I saw longing, I saw my pain, desperation, sadness and loneliness— Staring back at me tenfold that I didn't know who they belong to anymore.
I whimpered and my resolution crumbled to the ground, shattered to pieces, forgotten. I launched myself at his arms and he caught me instantly, without a second thought. I clung to him for dear life, silently cursing myself for being such a stupid kid, couldn't see what was in front of her unless it was too late. How stupid I was? My actions hurt Jace as much it hurts me.
Now I only have minutes before he left.
I rubbed my tear stained cheeks on his shoulder, feeling like I was a little girl again, only knowing Jace to be there, always ready to catch me.
"I'm sorry." I should have said it sooner, I should have put my feelings behind me as soon as I realized it, maybe it will hurt but it will be better than filling our days with pain and torture like this. "I'm sorry, Jace."
So much I needed to say yet those words were the only thing I can say.
Jace took a deep breath, his arms were almost crushing me, like he wanted to mold our bodies together and he shuddered. "You carry my heart in your hands." He whispered.
I went still.
Then a dam burst from me. Sobbing and hiccuping, waves of feelings crushed me under their weight, his words echoing in my head.
"And you carry mine." I croaked.
I felt the faintest of his smile on my shoulder. I didn't know how long we stayed there but it felt like a second and forever when his flight was called.
Jace pulled back and smiled. That little private smile of his that was reserved for me. He wiped the tear stains on my cheeks, wearing that fond smile and I couldn't look away. How stupid that I thought I could stay away from him even just for a second.
He leaned in and closed his eyes, he kissed my forehead like he was collecting himself, savoring the moment and when he pulled away, his eyes were red with unshed tears yet, still, he smiled.
"It won't be too long, you know." He tried, joking lightly.

I shook my head, gripping his hands. "It'll always be too long."

He shook his head at my answer and gulped. "I'm sorry." This time, he pulled me into another bone crushing hug, his lips brushing my ear, whispering those words, "I'm sorry."

I wanted to say something back, that it was never his fault, that I was too stupid to act like an adult and put my feelings away— That it wasn't his fault, that more than anything I just wanted him to be safe and happy. And if he'll allow me, I will always be by his side.

But it was too late.

I couldn't say all those words.

He was already gone.