His Promise Land

Journal [3]

My mom was going to throw a pool party for Jace, as a prayer for his safe trip and his birthday. It will be his birthday in a couple of hours. Jace only had his grandfather, his mother died in childbirth and his father... I sighed. His father is the source of my problem right now, Jace is always chasing the ghost of his shadow.
Everyone in my family loves Jace like he was the other son of my mother and I couldn't be more grateful about that. It gave me the permission I need to have spend the whole day with him just busy laughing and preparing for the party, with no time to acknowledge my fear and worry. Just having fun like two little kids, without any care in the world.
It was going to be held at night, so not exactly a pool party when you couldn't swim in the pool. I tried to tell my mother that but she dismissed my awesome idea, I guess she knew if it's held by day we will all just be busy goofing around in the pool and not entertaining and making nice with the guests. so I just called it a dinner party at the side of the pool.
It was Sunday, even though we had school tomorrow, my mom insisted we held the party because it was a ceremony from my family to wish him a safe duty in the army. My family loves him so much that sometimes I think he was their beloved child and not me.
I looked at Jace across the room, he was joking with my cousins and uncles. Looking the perfect image of the social butterfly, I didn't envy him, no, I was awed by him.
He was so flawless, perfect. Everything I wasn't.
Jace eyes met mine from across the room, he smiled and waved, my other cousins noticed me and smiled as well, waving at me to join them.
I smiled back and shook my head, "I need to get changed first." They were all in their dress shirts and dress while I was still in my Jeans and T-shirt.
Jace nodded and shooed me to get change fast with an eager smile on his lips. I rolled my eyes and climbed the stairs two at a time. My mom had gave me a dress for this occasion, saying I didn't own any dress to match the theme so she bought it for me.
The dress was a pale pink color, making my pale skin appear as beautiful, a fact that I welcomed today. I didn't want to pale beside Jace and his glory. Someday, I kept wishing, to be able to stand by him with my head held high.
I curled my hair up in an elegant up do that I learnt on youtube and wore some light make up, a light eyeshadow, lip gloss, eyeliner and blush. I worked hard to always improve and to be able to match Jace, appearance is just another field I need to work on.
When I was finished I grudgingly trudged down the stairs, balancing on my a little too-high-to-walk-heels. My family clapped and hooted when they caught sight of me grumbling inelegantly on the stairs. I looked at them and scanned their faces for Jace.
Looking into his eyes, I knew what my family were seeing, I was the beautiful lady in a white dress. Not the spoiled and reckless brat they all knew me as. His eyes looked luminous in the dim light of the pool, blue eyes rivaling the water itself.
Did he plan to burn me with that look?
I smiled sheepishly at him and shrugged. He winked scandalously and tipped his drink back, as if saying. 'Welcome to the party.'
I skipped down the stairs towards him and almost launched myself to his arm but caught myself quickly, remembering where we were. Jace grinned at me like knew what I was going to do.
"The princess of the party is finally here." He cooed, he made me do a spin in front of him.
I giggled, feeling like a nine year old again with her first birthday party, he twirled me around too when I was nine because I liked the sparkling pink dress with a princess tiara. Back then everything feel so light and today, I twirled like I was nine years old again without worry in my heart.
His lips twitched and his eyes shine with adoration as I continued to spin and laughed around the room. We earned glances from all my family but I was having too much fun to care about them.
When we finally stopped twirling and laughing we were at the pool, not realizing how we got there in our twirling haze, we rolled on the grass laughing.
But was cut short when my mom yelled, "No ruining your dress, Ashley!" She scolded from the dining room.
I rolled my eyes and stood up, grumbling. My mom had a point though, I worked hard on my appearance today, hoping I can be equal to him at least for a day. I dusted my dress from the grass that was clinging on my dress. Jace didn't stood up, balancing on his knees as he started to pick off grass from my dress with such concentration and sincerity that I wanted to laugh.
"Jace?" I called, smiling. Always a mother hen.
He just hummed and continue to dust off the green. Looking as serious as a surgeon. I took the time to shamelessly stare at him. The blue light of the pool made him look otherworldly as they danced across his cheekbones, eyelashes fluttering, soft blonde hair swaying in the wind. I burned the image into my eyelids, everything about him was jus too precious.
He looked up, a smile tugging softly at his lips.
"What is it?"
My fingers had a mind of their own as I plucked a stray grass from his hair and perhaps lingered a bit too long. I stared at it then said, "Nothing." You're just as beautiful and perfect as always.
He chuckled lowly, gaze unreadable as he straighten the wispy folds of my dress. What am I, five?
I didn't say anything, letting him take care of me. He always do that. He'll take care of me and I'll protect him. Isn't that our promise? How are we supposed to keep that now?
"Jace?"
He hummed in reply. In the background our relatives has started to crowd in and was missing our presence.
"They're calling us."
"Oh." He blinked.
I smiled at him and patted his cheek. I used to do that when we were kids, like a big sister but now I didn't know if he realized the feelings behind the gesture had changed.
He blinked again and shook his head, like clearing his thoughts. "I was— I was fixing your dress."
I hummed in approval, "Thank you." Yet, those simple words seemed have thousand of unsaid words.
"Whenever." He said back, I giggled at his answer. It was our code. That whenever I need him, he will be there to help. A little ironic now but that doesn't lessen the meaning behind the endearing word.
We held hands as we went back to our family, swinging my hands as we go.
It was a fun time, laughter free of worry, unafraid and free. Jace looked relaxed and for a second, the weight on his shoulders seemed to be lifted, to absorbed in the environment, busy laughing and telling jokes.
I was more than glad I can witness this side of Jace again after so long. It seems like the days lately was just filled my worries and fears and words couldn't describe how I felt guilty for weighing him down. I couldn't let him go just yet and our joined hands felt like shackles, the one I put on him and the one he left on willingly.
The party went on for hours, at some point I lost Jace in the midst of my college age cousins and I left him to have fun with fellow boys as I sipped my drink and stared at lights dancing on the pool, eyes flicking to Jace now and then, could never really leave him.
I wonder what that said about us. About me in particular to be so attached and loved him so deeply that I myself, was torn between letting go and let him be on his journey and the urge to just keep him with me, under a blanket fort in my room. Where he'll be safe and happy. And with me.
I let my thoughts run while for a wild, occasionally talking and playing with my little cousins until it was fifteen minutes to twelve, then I got up and went to look for Jace. It was like playing hide and seek, no one had seen Jace and they all thought that he was with me.
I sighed and looked for the first place he might hide in.
His hiding place was my room.Too obvious. I tried to contain my smile.
He was asleep.
The dim light from the window casted a soft shadow on his face, he looked so young, so innocent. He didn't look like the adult that was going into the army in a few days. He was a boy, sleeping soundly, worries forgotten.
I didn't have the heart to wake him up so like a creep, I just watched him sleep. I watched the lights dance on his face, the shadows from the tree swaying on his skin like he was a sleeping prince from a fairytale.
I began to hum under my breath. Just content to be there.
The burden must be so heavy on him, he was going in his last year of high school and he decided to join the army. He skipped a year just for this purpose, even got his exams all ahead so he can go without worrying about his grades. I rolled my eyes at the memory. He was so whiny yet determined to accomplished it. I didn't want to let him and just let him be, not wanting to help him but I relented eventually. Knowing that he was only whiny to me. To my parents, to his grandfather and others, he didn't have any worries, just cruising along the broad paved road full of sunlight. Yet I was the only who knew how hard he worked to have that easy paved road.
I was the one who laid out the stones. As he did the doors to my princess castle. I couldn't think anything that we do separately until now. If he's there, then I'm there too. We didn't really have any reason to do otherwise.
Until now.
It must have taken a lot from him, studying, working out, passing all the tests, taking care of me... My mom always said I was a handful.That since we were in diapers Jace was the only one who I listen to.
I pulled my fluffy blue bed cover over him and tucked him in. My fingers reached on their own and traced his sharp nose and delicate shape of his eyelashes.
He was my prince and knight in shining armor. I was his princess until the knight decided he must leave on a journey to hunt for the biggest dragon.
I prayed that the world be kind to him, from now on I won't be able to be by his side to cry and take his pain away.
"How can I fulfill my promise to you if you're not here?" I whispered to him.
Silence greeted me.

Jace woke up minutes from twelve to me humming our song. I raised an eyebrow at him.
He groaned and hide his face under the cover. "Is it your shoes? Do I need to find some missing shoes?" He asked hoarsely.
I rolled my eyes and got up, playing tug of war with the covers. Of course I lost strength wise and Jace was having too much fun doing so.
"Come on! I have a surprise for you!" I yanked the covers harder from him.
At this, like a puppy, he peeked from under the covers, eyes narrowed and scanning me. "Where is it?" He eyed my empty hands suspiciously.
I shoved him back. "Scoot over."
Jace scooted over and sat up properly with bleary eyes, blinking the sleep away. He worked so hard and it took a great toll on him. My heart squeezed painfully at the darkness under his eyes. Despite that, I wanted to make this a happy, cheerful event so I screamed, "Happy birthday!" Happily to his face.
He recoiled from the noise and huffed out a laugh, eyes quickly went from sleepy to gentle twinkles. Like the most beautiful night sky."Wha— I thought you didn't remember." He had the nerve to whisper.
I scoffed at him, "Are you kidding me? It's YOUR birthday! How can I forget? I counted down every year for this, did you forget?"
At my answer, he smiled my favorite smile, where his eyes would grew smaller and his dimples would show. "Thank you." His voice was the most gentle of whispers and it still lodged itself inside my heart, finding its home there.
Jace opened his arms with a grin and I launched myself into them. Quicker than a missile.
Home.
His laugh vibrated in his chest and I shivered at the sound. "What did you get me this time?"
I pulled away and smiled, pulling out the little box that lay forgotten when I jumped into his arms.
It was a simple unassuming little black box. Not velvet, just a simple black box.
Jace shook it quickly like the three year old he really was. I rolled my eyes again and shoved his shoulder playfully.
"What is it?" He asked, voice full of laughter yet the smile on his face was gentle and just too damn beautiful.
"Open it and see for yourself."
He blinked at the contents. He turned it around in his hands, "Is this..."
Jace played with the guitar pick. It looked ordinary, a bit too thick than the average one as the only difference. My smile grew wider as he looked at it, turning it around and around. Coldplay was written on one side and the other was Scientist. At this point we forgot whose favorite song it was originally.
Finally, I took it from his hands and opened the guitar pick, knowing where to prod to get it to open. The pick fell apart like a locket and inside, on one one is our picture in a collage, one when we were five and under it were just taken yesterday. Both of the pictures looked identical, with the same pose, same look, same laughter. In the picture I was sitting crosslegged on the ground, eyes closed and grinning wide as I leaned on Jace's legs. Jace was looking down at me, eyes gentle with a fond smile.
On the other side of the pick was a writing.
"I was here from the start and I will stay 'till the end."
Jace didn't say anything, he blinked repeatedly like holding back tears but I knew he was never going to cry. Not when his father died and definitely not now.
I reached up and touched his face, carving his features to my memory. Though at this point in time I already memorized them all.
"Will you promise me one thing?" I asked softly.
My thumb traced an invisible pattern on his cheek. He leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, "Anything." He whispered.
"Will you promise me you will come back safely and in one piece?" I knew it was a cruel question. He couldn't promise me something like that, yet I still asked, ignoring everything.
I wanted to sob. I only wanted him to be safe and happy.
He just pulled me into his arms and exhaled harshly. The silence continued well after that. Leaving the promise hanging in the air and I blinked my tears away and closed my eyes.
Jace only hugged me tighter.