Smoke and Sorrow •Joshler•

12.I'm Sorry

Tyler's P.O.V.
I notice Josh is deep in thought and I almost want to bring him back to reality but he might do what he did again. He scared me, and right now I just don't want to be so close to him. I know he's trying but he's going to have to try a lot harder to make up for that so soon. My eyes get caught on something that immediately grab my attention. I froze, shell shocked. No, those couldn't but what I think they are. Josh wouldn't... he simply couldn't.

On his tan arms lay hundreds of tiny marks, lighter than his arms and almost blending in. Some of them at least, some other were a bright pink, almost white. The blended in this traces of his tattoo sleeve but I could see them. How did I not notice them before. My voice shook and my eyes widened in realization. My heart dropped into my stomach as a frail voice erupted from my lips, so far from my norm. "J-josh.. what did you do..?" I calmly asked. He seemed to raise his eyebrow, the both of us completely forgetting his outburst. After all, this might just be the reason for it.

"What are you talking about Tyler?" He questioned, eyes glancing over from the darkened road.
"What's on your arm? You know you can talk to me about anything! I just want to make sure you're-" he cut me off, going stiff in his seat as his arms locked in place.
"Ty... I, we'll talk to this at the house, Jenna and Deb are out, right?" He questioned warily as I nodded in the corner of his vision. We sat silently for the small time remaining until we were back at the house.

-Small time skip

"Josh, are those self harm marks?" I whispered as we both sat on the couch together. He looked away from me, in shame, and perhaps light disgust of himself and his actions.
"I didn't want to hurt you" he eventually weaseled out. "You and Jenna just seemed so happy and I didn't want to destroy that because-"
"You know you wouldn't of hurt me. Hell, this hurts me way more than anything you could say to me. I'm sorry you had to suffer alone. It's not fair to you or me for you to sit with this in silence" I explained, seeing the tears roll from his eyes.

"I'm sorry Ty, I'll stop. Most of these were old anyways. I promise I'll come to you when I need to talk" he sobbed, turning his mocha eyes to stare into mine. It wasn't the best situation but it certainly wasn't the worst. I know I'm going to have to talk to him about this way more than I needed to but for now, this was going to have to do. It hurt too much to see my friend struggling through all this, afraid to ask even me for comfort.

"If you can accept that, I'd rather not talk about it for now, I'd love nothing more than to watch a Disney movie with my best friend." He chimed hopefully. I nodded, allowing him to turn on the tv and find a movie. God, why didn't I see this sooner? I should have, he's my best friend and I at least owe him that much. He never seemed depressed, yet again, the ones that disappear never truly do. God, that's the best I can chop it up to. Disappear? What would it be like is Josh disappeared...? That thought made me sick.

My stomach churned with nausea as my mind stormed up and image of my best friend, lying dead in my arms. Blood dropped from his wrists and the ringing sound of a pistol rung ramped in my ears til it was the only sound I could hear. His skin had grown so cold, his blood still flowing warm from his body, those being the only things that gave way to his bloody demise. Those were the only things that showed he ever lived, or really existed. He was just a bloody corpse among the hundreds of other victims in the battle yard.

The blood leaked from his brain and onto the darkened carpet around us. His skin a sicken white and his eyes glazed over, looking up as if he saw something I didn't. Saw, not seeing. He was dead and limp and cold. The inhuman cold grew from his wrists, to his brain, and to me. Ever part is Josh I touched was cold, and it spread up my limbs in deadly white. It spread from my wrists, showing old scars. It spread around my lips and the bitter taste of alcohol. If spread to my mind and the tiny whispered I remembered. My stomach churned again at the sight of him.

It spread to my heart and it's hurtful throb, it wasn't just a slowing beat that shook me awake. It was the heart churning feeling of knowing someone I love it dead. And that was just how I felt about Josh, not knowing any other word that could sum up how our skin reacted in electricity like it used to with Jenna. I liked Jenna, she was a good friend, maybe the best. But she wasn't Josh. I loved Josh. That was just it. I loved him yet I couldn't find the things that troubled him. I stared at him as he settled upon a classic, The Lion King.

I didn't just love him though. I loved his smile. The way his grin grows to show off his shiny teeth in unmeasurable glee. The way his eyes squinted so high you could barely see his eyes through the skin that covered him. I loved the way he laughed, that happy bubbling sound in the back of his through whenever he found something amusing. I loved the way he talked so causally just because he burst into a fit of giggles or smiles. Holy fuck I love my best friend.