everyday | bellarke

eight | i'm so close

CLARKE:

"Bellamy, it has been almost five years since you left... Which means you'll be coming down soon," I say, smiling.

I am sitting on top of the rover, with everything set up while Madi is sleeping inside.

"Only a few more weeks now, and... and I can tell you in person that I love you. I can hug you again. I can kiss you for the first time. You can meet Madi. I can see everyone else. It feels like I've been waiting for that for a lifetime."

I close my eyes. "I didn't think I would make it," I admit, almost whispering. "And not because of the radiation..." I pause. "I wondered why I got to be the last person on Earth. Why me? I thought of everyone who died- I still do. I feel responsible. After everything I've done... I was just going to end it all. But talking to you, thinking of my mom, meeting Madi... it all saved me. You helped save me. So again, thank you for keeping me alive."

I open my eyes and feel tears welling up in them. I am so close to seeing him again. To seeing everyone. My mom, my friends, my people.

"There has been so much struggle these five years," I whimper. "Not the same struggle as before, of course. No, this is different. I feel hollow sometimes. Everyone I've lost, including you, in a way, has a piece of me with them. And I've lost so many parts of myself because of it. I don't feel the same anymore." I take a minute to cry. "So my struggle has been internal. Telling Madi all of the stories without breaking down. Not letting her see me cry. Trying not to let my thoughts tell me that I'm to blame for everything. Acting normal on my dad's birthday. Not screaming during nightmares. I'm broken, Bellamy, no matter how much I try to suppress it." I'm almost sobbing now. "And I'm so close. So close to not having to fight alone anymore."

I just sit out there for a few more minutes, holding the walkie to the side of my face.

"I love you," I say after awhile. Then I clean up the devices and go into the rover to wake up Madi.

"Hey," I whisper, gently shaking her shoulder.

She stirs, and turns away from me.

"I don't want to do lessons today," she says, moaning.

"Good thing we're going on a special trip then," I tell her, and she bolts up.

"Where are we going?" she asks, her eyes wide.

"It's a surprise," I say, climbing out of the rover.

She follows me. "Just tell me!"

"No," I say, winking, getting in the front of the rover.

She gets in the passenger seat. "Can I have a hint?"

"You've heard of it," I say, as I look at her, seeing her brain racking through the stories I have told her.

"The five years are almost up," she says slowly. "We're going to the bunker," she deducts.

I just smile and start driving.

The drive to Polis isn't far from our little land dwelling but I've never taken Madi there. I haven't been back, either. Too many painful memories. Losing Lexa, the City of Light, the conclave, the fight for the bunker... and worst of all, I'd be standing on the ground above my people. Now I have no choice.

When we get there, everything is disintegrated. The only way I recognize it is part of the tower is still standing, unbelievably. I use that to navigate where the temple was, and discover it's a large pile of rubble. Without a word, I park the rover and get out.

Madi is hesitant, which is uncharacteristic of her. She stays in the rover.

I step towards the rubble and crouch down, running my hand through it. I don't know how deep it is, but deep enough that they won't be able to get out on their own.

I go to the rover and open the back.

"What are you doing?" Madi asks, turning around.

"We have to dig them out," I say, grabbing two shovels, then closing the back.

She joins me at the rubble and I hand her a shovel.

"Ready?" I ask.

She grins at me and takes the shovel.

As we start to dig, I feel hope fluttering in my chest. I'm so close.

Sorry for the long wait... hope you like this chapter!