everyday | bellarke

seven | i'm always thinking about her

BELLAMY:

I wake up in the middle of the night. Well, it's really all night up here. But it's the middle of our so-called "sleep period". It's not as strict as living on the Ark before, of course, but there are still so many rules up here. Raven and Monty actually established them. I just went along with them. I can't help but think that it would've be Clarke and me making those rules, if she were here.

I can't fall back asleep, so I turn to grab my bottle off of the desk, then remember it's gone. Monty took it, like he takes it everyday. He claims we're rationing, so I can only have half a bottle a day, but he just doesn't want me to turn into an alcoholic.

I'm too awake to go back to bed, but too tired to do anything of value. I decide to go check if anyone else is up.

I exit the office and walk down the hall. Most of the others don't sleep in this wing, because it used to be the official rooms. The personal rooms are across the ring. The Ark is silent, but as I walk left down the hall, I start to hear voices. They're coming from Raven's office.

She spends a lot of time in there... working, calculating. It's non-stop for her. She still has almost two years to figure how to get us to the ground, but she just keeps going.

I knock on the door, and the voices halt.

"Raven?" I ask, for added measure.

I hear shuffling, and then a minute later, Raven appears at the door, her cheeks flushed.

"Bellamy, hey, what are you doing up?" she asks immediately.

"Who's in there with you?" I step in the room, and she lets me in.

"No one," she says, walking past me to her desk.

"Okay," I say, looking around the room.

It's pretty messy, papers and devices and machines everywhere, but nowhere where someone could be hiding, as far as I can see.

"What's up?" she asks, shuffling through papers.

"Couldn't sleep."

She nods, because she's all too familiar with that. I don't actually know if she's gotten a full night of sleep since we've been up here. At first, she never slept. I don't think she could. But all of the work caught up to her and now she gets at least an hour or two a night, sometimes more.

I stroll over to her desk and pick up an empty bottle.

"Drunk on the job?" I smirk.

"I'm not drunk," she said, making a face at me. "And I'm not on the job."

"Got any more?" I wave the bottle around.

"Not supposed to give you any. Monty's orders."

"He doesn't have to know," I say, sitting down on the floor, against the wall.

"I don't want to go against Monty, and neither do you."

She stares me down, and I know she's right.

"Making any progress?" I ask, even though I know I'm setting myself for a long response that I won't understand.

Instead, she says, "No."

"No?"

"I haven't been making progress for awhile," she admits. "There's just so many complications."

I don't say anything, but just stare out her window to Earth.

"Thinking about her?" Raven asks, without looking at me.

"I'm always thinking about her."

Raven gets up from her desk and sits next to me against the wall.

"We'll get through this, okay?"

She leans her head on my shoulder.

"Sometimes I don't know if I want to get through it," I say, my voice catching in my throat.

She says nothing.

"There's so much pain up here, Raven. Us without Clarke, us without our friends and family, Harper and Monty losing their baby, all of being separated all of the time, all of the loss we suffered on the ground."

"It's a hard atmosphere to live in," she admits. "But we can be happy again, Bellamy. Octavia is still on the ground, our friends are there, safe in the bunker. We have a lot of hardships up here, but there's been some good times. And when we get to the ground, there'll be good times again. Clarke wouldn't want you to be sad the rest of your life."

"I can't help it," I said, rubbing the heel of my hand in my eye to stop the tears.

"It'll get better with time, I promise you," she says, and I know she's thinking of Finn.

We sit there in silence for a few minutes, and I recover enough to prod her about her mystery visitor.

"Good times? Is that what you were having with the person you had in here before me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she replies, grinning.

"Whatever. Tell me in your own time," I said, lifting my hands up in surrender. I stand up and head for the door.

I turn around and say, "Thank you," before I duck out of the room and head back to my own.

There's no way I'm sleeping now so I pull out a pen and write Clarke's letter.

Dear Clarke,

When I look at my life, I realize there are only a few parts of it when I was truly happy. They were short, small moments but most of them involved you. I don't know if I'll ever be that happy again, but I can try. I know you would want me to. Even though I miss you everyday, and even though I don't think that pain ever leaving me, I am going to try to be happy. To look forward to something. It's a lot easier said than done, though. Clarke, you are my happiness. Were. I look forward to seeing Octavia again. I look forward to being with our people again. Maybe someday that anticipation will overcome the pain, but not today. It's been over three years, and it still hurts as much as it did the day I left you. Maybe even more.

Love,

Bellamy

I think the story is almost finished. I'm planning on making it ten chapters. I don't love this chapter but I wanted to publish it for you guys. Hope you like it, let me know!