everyday | bellarke

five | they were worth it

BELLAMY:

Dear Clarke,

I wish I had a photo of you. A tangible image of you smiling. Like that Unity Day together, the first time I had felt truly happy on the ground. Or the last smile I ever saw on your face, as we prepared to go into space together. I wonder sometimes what it would be like if you had made it. I think about it a lot. Would we be together? Would I get to hold your hand and kiss you and run my fingers through your hair and tell you things I've never told anyone? I think I would. Because even though I tried to ignore it, I am completely in love with you. And I guess I'll never get to tell you that.

Love,

Bellamy

There are tears welling up in my eyes. Even though this is almost my four hundreth letter to Clarke, I had never written those words down. I thought it would be too painful. I was right.

I hear a knocking on the door, so I put away the letter, wipe my sleeve across my face and say, "Come in."

Monty slowly opens the door, as if he's afraid that too much movement at once will scare me. I can't blame him. It probably would.

"Hey, can we talk?" he asks me, in a tentative sort of way that I have never really heard from him.

I nod, so he walks in and closes the door.

Monty has become my closest friend on the Ark. He understands what I'm going through, in a way, because of Jasper. He lost his best friend, too, and even though he still has Harper, I can tell that the loss is devastating him more than he lets on. We usually spend time distracting each other from the pain, or keeping each other company in the silence. We help each other out, and I am so grateful for it.

"What's going on?" I ask as he takes a seat in the chair by the wall of the office.

"I have some news..." he says, quietly. I can't read his expression.

"Good? Bad?" I question, knowing that he isn't going to outright say it.

"Both." He looks down at his lap.

"What is it?"

His eyes meet mine. "Harper's pregnant."

I try not to look too shocked, but I can't help it.

"I'm sorry," he adds immediately.

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?"

"We have no idea how this is going to work. We didn't mean for it to happen, but... They'll be a baby here. I'm trying to make calculations, but I don't know if we have enough resources. Or if it'll be safe to go back to the ground with them on board, or if-"

"Monty." I put my hand on his shoulder. "I'm happy for you."

He gives a feeble smile in return. "Thanks."

"Did you just find out?"

"Last night," he tells me. "We haven't told the others yet."

I sit back in my chair. "You're going to be a dad," I say. "Wow."

"It's crazy," he agrees, then pauses. "I wasn't sure we were going to be happy up here," Monty confesses. "You remember when she... when she didn't want to leave Arkadia and..." He looks down at his lap again.

"We don't have to talk about it," I say, lightly, recognizing the way his sentences are trailing off, but the idea is finishing in his mind.

"No," he says, looking up at me. "It's okay. It's just hard. You know that," he adds, with a sympathetic smile.

"I know." My voice catches in my throat.

We revel in the silence and our heartbroken thoughts for a minute, and both of our eyes direct to the window of the office, where we can see Earth. Most of it is no longer burning, but instead smokey and gray. From the ashes, we will rise.

"How are the letters going?" Monty asks softly.

Monty is the only one I've told about them. He caught me writing one, on a rather hard night, actually, when I had a little too much to drink. I wrote to Clarke, angry and bitter, almost, about how we had never gotten to be together. In the letter, I blamed her and I blamed myself, too. I scribbled about how stupid we were. I had actually thrown a paperweight from the desk across the room, screaming, crying. It was the first time I had released any of those feelings, that regret. Monty came in, and saw the letter. I was too drunk to try and grab it from him.

"It wasn't either of your faults, Bellamy," he had said after reading it. "Clarke loved you, you know."

"I think I know that," I replied, sniffling. "But sometimes I feel like it was all in my head," I said, as I started to cry.

"It wasn't. I promise," Monty had assured me. Then he had set the letter down, and took a seat next to me, and we just sat there, until I fell asleep on the chair. It was the first real moment on the Ark that I hadn't felt alone.

"They're going fine," I reply, even though I know he can see how red my eyes are.

He stands up. "Harper wanted everyone to have dinner together tonight," he says. "She's going to make something from the food and set up a table, so we can tell everyone about the news. Will you join us?" He extends his hand to help me up from the chair.

I smile, and as I take his hand and stand up, he pulls me in for a hug.

"Thank you for everything, Bellamy," he whispers.

"No, Monty, thank you," I reply in the same hushed tone.

We let go and stand there for a moment, and it's like Clarke and Jasper are in the room with us. We both feel it. And I know we both feel so thankful to have had these people in our lives, because no matter how much pain they're causing us now, they were worth it.

Finally an update! Sorry it's been so long. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I got to write about my boy, Monty. I honestly think the show should develop a deeper friendship between Monty and Bellamy, it would be amazing. Let me know what you thought of this chapter by commenting and/or voting. Thank you so much for your support, I hope to update again soon!