everyday | bellarke

three | i want her to be alive

BELLAMY:

Dear Clarke,

It's been sixty-eight days since we got up here. That's sixty-eight letters. Sixty-eight days since I've seen you. I miss you. I don't think I can ever say that enough. I miss Octavia, too, of course, but it's different. She's safe in the bunker, but it's not just that. Octavia and I protect each other, but we don't depend on each other. I love her, but I can separated from her. What we have, Clarke, I've never had before, and I'll never have again. I need you. And I'm falling apart without you. I don't know if you knew it, I gave a part of myself to you that I've never given to anyone else, and it's still with you, even though you're gone. When things get really bad, I like to think that you're still out there. It's a nice thought, that the Nightblood worked, but it's a dangerous one, too. Being up here, watching the planet burn, doesn't make it an easy theory to believe. If I think about it too much, I get my hopes up, and I'll break even further if it's not true. Everyone's doing okay. They all have someone, though. Monty and Harper, Murphy and Emori... even Raven and Echo have developed some strange friendship. They all try to spend time with me, and keep me in the loop, but honestly, I've fallen off of their radars. I spend most of my time here, in my room, writing, drinking, or reading a book from this guy's office. I feel so restless. We never got a break on the ground, and it seemed overwhelming at the time, but maybe it was what I needed. I've been on my guard most of my life. I can't seem to relax. For awhile, any unknown sound I heard made me sit up straighter, reach for my gun. I've drowned it all out now. I've drowned everything out.

Until tomorrow,

Bellamy

After signing the letter, I fold it and put it in the empty drawer labelled "Clarke's Letters". I wrote on the other one "Anna's Letters". Sometimes I read those, too. It's comforting that someone went through what I'm going through.

This whole thing is more of a diary now. I'm too much of a coward to say any of this to Clarke, or at least I used to be. Maybe, if I had the chance now, I would be brave enough to tell her how I feel.

God, I want her to be alive. I want to come back down from the Ark and see her standing there. This time, I would run, I would shout her name, catch her by surprise and wrap my arms around her.

I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know I shouldn't. But there's a part of me that will always picture her, happy and healthy, on a green planet, maybe missing me as much as I miss her.

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