unspoken words

rape

at first i couldn't wait to get out of this town
i was counting down the days i left for college and they didn't seem to come fast enough
then i set foot on campus and waved goodbye to my parents
this was my time
i took advantage of the freedom and did everything i was never allowed to do in high school
everything was great
i had friends
i was having fun
then all of a sudden my friends decided it would be best if i wasn't friends with them anymore
so they verbally attacked me
made me feel so insignificant that i didn't believe i belonged anywhere
i came home for a week and told my parents not to take me back
they told me that i can't quit and i have to just put a smile on my face and act like it doesn't bother me
so that's what i did
i came back feeling more alone than ever and pretended i was okay
about a month later i made new friends and more importantly i met a boy
he was the first boy to give me the sort of attention girls want
all my friends told me that we made the perfect couple because we complimented each other so well
i thought it would be a good opportunity to do things that i would soon regret
i let him take my virginity
i was okay with it at the time and thought it was the best thing for me
then i came home for christmas break and he broke things off because he wanted to get back together with his ex
as you could probably tell i was devastated
i was trying to do anything and everything i could to get him to want me back
he told me "you're going to find someone so special _______" okay
when we all arrived back on campus i didn't know what i was going to do
he knew that i would do anything he wanted me to so he took that to his advantage
the first weekend back he brought up his best friend from home
his friend wanted to have a good night so he pushed him in my direction and said "make sure he has a good night" knowing i would do anything for him
throughout the night i was getting uncomfortable and kept walking away
as i would leave he would pull me back and force another drink down my throat
things started to get fuzzy but i will never forget the events of that night
i told him i wanted to go home and he told me to stop being a little bitch
he proceeded to pull me in a back room of the party we were at and pulled down his pants
"suck me off"
a single tear came out of my eye
he took the back of my head and proceeded to shove my head onto his dick
i didn't know what to do so i just cried
i sat there and cried
the rest was a blur but i remember my friend picking me up and taking me home
my roommate went over to the boy that i would do anything for's room and yelled at him
"_______ is a big girl she can handle herself. everything that was happening she wanted it to happen"
going to a criminal justice school you'd think people would be more educated on consent
obviously not
the next day my suite mate thanked the boy that took me home and he said "i don't understand why you made a big deal about the situation. everything that happened she wanted it to happen"
so i believed them
all my friends took the boys side and made me seem like i was blowing the story out of control
so i believed them
i soon felt worthless as the seconds went by and never wanted to do anything
my friends didn't even have my back
i had no one
i just figured maybe they were right so i let it go
i still have dreams about that night though
and i can now finally admit it
i was raped.
someone used alcohol and took advantage of me without my consent.
.
.
towards the end of the year my friends decided it would be best to just stop talking to me
the last month of school i ate alone in my room because i had no friends to eat with
this is why i transferred schools
it's not because of my major
it's not because i hated connecticut
it's because i physically couldn't go back to the school because no one wants me there
now i can't wait to get back to the town i wished so fast to leave